Vapid vampires

Christmas comes early for teens
and emos alike with much-hyped but
terrible vampire flick Twilight

BLOODSUCKERS SUCK:
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

by CHRISTOPHER SYKES

Online forums have been abuzz for months, as teens anxiously await the onscreen adaptation of youth-lit goddess Stephenie Meyer’s stupendously popular vampire franchise Twilight, that’s sold more than 17 million copies. The delicate task of striking an accord with hyper-sensitive youngsters desperate for their favourite characters to ooze “cool,” while still doing the book justice, has been handed to director Catherine Hardwicke, who’s already got one successful youth-lit adaptation (Thirteen) under her belt.

Twilight revolves around the exploits of the Cullens, a family of immortal bloodsuckers who’ve chosen to go the politically correct route by consuming only animal blood. The lack of human corpses piling up means they’re able to lead a relatively normal existence in the rainy Pacific northwest. When petite mortal Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves to town, she becomes enamoured with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), and the two linger on the cusp of a very dangerous liaison.

After the stern-faced Pattinson uses his super-speed and super-strength to save Stewart from becoming super-dead in a car accident, the secret is out. Despite his best efforts to push her away, the two begin a relationship. When a trio of old-school vamps—including Montreal’s own Rachelle Lefevre—invade town and start feeding on locals, a battle between good and evil breaks out with Stewart predictably caught in the middle. The fight scenes and dialogue are heavy on the banality.

What’s odd about Twilight is it can’t shake its gimmicky feel despite (or perhaps because of) not adopting the plethora of age-old stereotypes. Pattinson avoids sunlight not because he’ll be incinerated, but because the rays cause his skin to sparkle. Inch-long incisors are replaced with pearly whites that will facilitate Pattinson’s chance of making the cover of Teen Beat time and time again. Not that he’d be smiling on it anyway.

It’s a clever marketing scheme to rebrand the vampire, and going the emo-inspired route will be a profitable choice. Still, Twilight is a terrible, hyper-stylized movie that had me laughing at it and not with it. But that won’t stop it from hovering around the top of the box office for the next few weeks