Dear Sasha, I’m wondering how much it would cost to have my virginity restored and whether Medicare covers it. Can you recommend any doctors who can perform the surgery and do you know how long it takes to recover? My fiancé believes I’m a virgin and it’s important that he continue believing this.
—DK
Dear DK,
For many years plastic surgeons have shaved and shaped patients’ noses under the guise of correcting a “deviated septum” but I’m afraid there’s no analogous pretext to exploit in the vagina that would justify a few sneaky stitches care of our healthcare system. On the contrary, it looks like one of the only ways of receiving subsidized hymen surgery is if the membrane in question is septate, imperforate or microperforate (www.youngwomenshealth.org/hymen.html), so basically the opposite surgical procedure of what you want. What can I say, we simply haven’t gotten to the point where expunging your sexual history, for fraudulent purposes anyway, is covered by Medicare.
At the moment vaginal rejuvenation is still considered cosmetic so if you’re betrothed to someone to whom purity is crucial and would like your vagina to reflect your claims of being so, then you will have to cough up $4, 000 (plus GST) for hymenoplasty. The surgery takes less than an hour and involves sewing the ruptured membrane back together or taking tissue from the vaginal wall and creating a new hymen out of it. It’s a quick recovery—if you had say, a “November Rain”-themed wedding planned you could still totally go with it. But again, it costs $4,000 (plus GST) so while you will have a fresh cherry to pop, your fiancé might wonder why you are wearing a potato sack for the big event.
As for doctors I would recommend, Arnold Kegel comes to mind but he’s dead and the legacy he left with his pubococcygeous exercises likely won’t produce the show of blood your future husband will expect. My favourite wisecracking plastic surgeon Dr. Robert Stubbs is, in his words, “trying out retirement” or I would definitely suggest talking to him. If you want to research surgeons who perform hymenoplasty, have a look here: www.findprivateclinics.ca/Cosmetic/Vaginal_Rejuvenation/139-0.html.
Dear Sasha, I want to host a sex toy party for my friends but I’m looking for something very special. Years ago I attended one that included a lot of junky stuff. I would like something that will offer good explanation of the products as well as good products.
-Annabelle
Dear Annabelle
Ah yes, the sex toy party of yore, when one of your friends invites her slutty older sister’s friend over to show a group of giggling gals an array of phthalate-drenched vibrators, lubes inspired by the drinks menu of Howard Johnson circa 1961 and exotic bubble baths that would do well to include a bottle of boric acid and some gelatin capsules. Sexy fun!
Though these types of sex toy parties are definitely not extinct they have been joined by shall we say, more conscientious ones. Visit www.joytoyz.ca for details.
Several dedicated menstrual cup users weighed in about the DivaCup controversy [“Are menstrual cups keepers?” Oct. 30.] and the consensus seems to be that most women feel comfortable using their cup past the current one-year lifespan. JM, whose DivaCup is still going strong after five years, actually buys cups as presents for her less solvent friends. “It’s a weird gift,” she says, “but one that I get great feedback about.”
K bought a DivaCup several years ago when her Keeper bit the dust after eight years. “I thought silicone sounded like a good bet, I liked the idea of being able to boil it. I took a year or two to transition because I found it a lot harder to take out than my Keeper. Either way, I would definitely recommend to all women to get a menstrual cup, whichever brand they choose. These have totally revolutionized my relationship with my period.”
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