THIS WEEK: Scott La Rock, Rakim, Mos Def, Obama!

PLUS: Man claims to have discovered good burrito!!

M This is for anybody. Please, I beg you, if you think TUPAC is the best MC of all time or rapper of all time, please contact me at my email snowdonadonis@yahoo.com so I can school you on why Tupac should not even be considered in the top 20 best MCs of all time! It’s ridiculous. The guy has NO SKILLS, unlike the best of the MCs: Jay-Z, Biggie, KRS-One. Please contact so I can school you. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Whoever thinks KRS-One is the best rapper ever is an idiot. He’s not a good MC. The reason why I listen to gangsta rap is because I don’t want to listen to my fucking father! I don’t want to listen to a PREACHER. I don’t want to hear this guy—he’s fucking old! He dropped off when Scott La Rock died! The best rapper of all time is either Rakim or Slick Rick. It’s not Biggie or Tupac because they were both frauds. Tupac was never a gangster—he was a kid in high school, that was about it. Biggie was a poseur, too. They both went to private school—we understand this. Slick Rick, Rakim! KRS-One? Lick dick. That’s the point. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, sugar, listen, I’m a light-skinned person too and I love hip hop, among other sorts of music. But, listen, about Biggie—he ain’t the greatest rapper in the world, honey. No, he ain’t. You’ve got to start listening to shit like Buck 65, KRS-One, Josh Martinez, Classified, Mos Def, Common, the Roots. Hip hop that has social awareness. Jay-Z had it on a couple albums, as well. It’s beyond the bling-bling and the shit that’s FUN. I can understand that it was probably a very innocent rant you made, like, “I’m happy, I’m listening to Biggie and fuck y’all, he’s the best.” I know you meant it that way, sugar, but no, he’s just not, no. So I’m just saying that you’re lovely and I understand where you were coming from, but you just have to restrain yourself a little bit. I’m just saying. Later. Oh yea: OBAMA, baby, Obama, I love you! I could SEX YOU UP right there. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the gangsters sitting in Harvey’s on Peel, acting like thugs and chanting Obama’s name. I don’t think that’s what he had in mind. Why don’t you follow his lead and try to uplift your brothers and sisters rather than hold them down with intimidation? As a matter of fact, why doesn’t everybody who’s jumped on the Obama bandwagon take after his example and, instead of giving him praise, be nice to your neighbours? I guarantee you the world will be a better place. It takes more than one person to change the world. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I was really happy that Obama won on Tuesday but the only thing I could think about all night was having the MADMAN on CNN fuck my brains out. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so this in response to the guy who had a long rant about hip hop and pseudo-gangsters. I just wanted to say that you said it all and if you were running for PRESIDENT, I would probably be voting for you. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, I am really disappointed in you guys. You put in this really disgusting rant from somebody generalizing about Montreal North and Latinos and blacks and Jamaicans and the Haitians—what is this? He’s making it sound like the whole world is like that and you guys are letting him do it. Please, stop it. And if this guy ever comes on St-Laurent, he will get his ASS KICKED if he starts screaming shit like that. I hope he does. [BLEEP!]

F Hello? Since when have St-Laurent bars been classy? They are the epitome of white trash, pissed drunk, screaming, puking, fighting, SLOPPING up the pavement after listening to outdated music. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone with any dignity around any of those meat markets. [BLEEP!]

M Does it make you a nutsack because you’re tired of a MANUFACTURED PUBESCENT pop singer? No, it makes you a total douchebag that you wasted two seconds even thinking about her in the first place. [BLEEP!]

M I’m just calling to say that I had a sweet potato BURRITO at Burritoville today and it was so fucking amazing, it blew my mind. I never thought there was healthy food around my school but now I know there is. Heads up, Burritoville is the shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™, I just wanted to repeat in public that you are absolutely my favourite LITERARY HIGHLIGHT of the week, it happens every Thursday. So thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

F I recently purchased a pair of HEART-SHAPED SUNGLASSES and I really do think they’ve made me lucky. Because the few times I’ve gone out in them, I’ve gotten hit on by guys. Strange guys. And I’m not just talking about a quick smile or a little look—I got chased down the street by guys! And yesterday this guy came up to me and kept complimenting me and I couldn’t shake him off and then I walked away and a few blocks later, he was there again, still trying to talk to me. And I had to cross the street at a RUN, just shouting over my shoulder, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Something is going on. I don’t know. My advice to anyone who is looking for love is maybe you should buy an accessory of some sort in a funny shape because it’s definitely working for me. I’ve had to turn down guys left and right. I’m feeling fucking POWERFUL. Peace. [BLEEP!]

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