Electile dysfunction

by RAF KATIGBAK

I must admit, I’m pretty anxious these days. And there are several reasons. One is that the passing of my favourite holiday (Halloween) always fills me with a sadness. A sadness in knowing that the grey gloom of winter is approaching steadily. A sadness that is further compounded by a glorious hangover from last weekend’s Halloween reverie and the sugar crash from the unreasonable amount of discount candy purchased from the Uniprix, and then promptly consumed in a single sitting.

I’m also anxious because I’m scared of police. Not because I think a few of them are often prone to unnecessary force (which is true) but because I think now that they’ve been wearing really stupid pants in protest for a few months, they’re even more defensive and ready to kick some ass. Kind of like that jock who dresses in drag for Halloween and wants to kick some ass just to prove he’s not gay (which he is, a little). For the most part, I respect the police and realize that they have an important job to do, I’m just a little worried what it’s doing to our city’s rep as fashion capitol of Canada. I mean, camo? Really? That is soooo 2003. And don’t get me started on that orange camo some cops are wearing—can someone explain to me why orange camo even exists? Is that for when you’re like, battling it out in a pumpkin patch or something?

Then again, maybe the weird pants thing is just another psych-out tactic by the police. Case in point: A few weeks ago, someone had smashed a window of the Starbucks below my house afterhours and made off with the cash registers. When I went down to see what all the commotion was about, I was witness to the most frightening sight ever: a police officer with gun drawn entering slowly through the smashed window, top half protected by a bulletproof vest, and bottom half clad in a pair of Spongebob Squarepants pajama bottoms.

Another reason for my anxiety is that, as I write this, it’s the eve of the American election, and I have a feeling the world is about to change. Why I feel more attached to the American election than the last Canadian federal election is a mystery to me. Shouldn’t I care about what happens in my own country more than our southern neighbours’? Perhaps it was my recent visit to New York and Chicago that sucked me into the race. There was a palpable desperation in the air and everyone I talked to had a strong opinion about the election. It was inspiring and depressing at the same time. Why didn’t I give a shit about Canada’s political system?

Was I just succumbing to the influence of the American media circus? Or is there much more on the line this time? I think it may have to do with the fact that the American candidates are just better characters and I’m a sucker for a good story. Black President vs. Republican with Clueless Soccer Mom running mate? Riveting.

Part of me hopes that McCain wins. One reason is that Obama just isn’t funny. While I’m glad people will finally retire those lame shirts with G-Dubya as a devil, with the “S” in “Bush” written as a swastika, love him or hate him, Bush was kind of retarded, and it was hilarious. In fact, the amount of comedy that was spawned from his years in office is incalculable. If McCain wins, we at least have something to laugh at. And Palin? Already she’s become a political satirist’s wet dream. Actually, she’s probably regular people’s wet dream as well, as evidenced by Hustler’s new Palin porn spoof Nailin’ Paylin. Obama? As great of a leader he would be, unless he gets wrapped up in some weird sex scandal involving live animals and produce, Obama parodies will be a total yawnfest.

Another reason part of me wants McCain to win is that we could at least look forward to some good music. It’s a known scientistic fact that the shittiness of the political situation in America is inversely proportional to the awesomeness of music created in that time. Take a look at how the oppressiveness of Reagan spawned some great hardcore music in the ’80s. If Reagan wasn’t such a dick, would the Dead Kennedys have made In God We Trust Inc.? And what did Clinton give us? Hootie and the Blowfish? Counting Crows? Sure, grunge was kind of fun but it was pretty much self-absorbed teen angst with cheap distortion. I say let McCain be victorious and let the new era of political distorted scream noise metal begin!

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA