THIS WEEK: Tupac, Biggie, Nikki Yanofsky!

PLUS: Man outwits police!!

M I got as far as the second rant and then I put down the Mirror and I picked up my phone. Listen, MR. LIGHT SKIN, if you think that BIGGIE was the best rapper that ever was, you must be comparing him to MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. You wouldn’t know hip hop if it smacked you upside your ignorant head. The guy was a poseur! He used a gimmick in order to sell records. At the time of his death, one of the record executives, one of his friends, part of his entourage, a guy named LANCE, I’m not going to say his last name just in case but it starts with an R, he said if Biggie knew that he could have made two million dollars from rapping what is in that garbage can over there, he would have done it. The guy was all about image, gimmicks and money. And if you want to talk about the greatest MC of all time, he’s still alive: KRS One. Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone. But obviously it doesn’t reign supreme over you because you one dumb fuck. What’s next, Tupac was the greatest MC of all time? [BLEEP!]

M In late 1991, early 1992, there was a very popular hip hop album entitled Step Into the Arena. This was by a group called Gang Starr, comprised of MC Guru and DJ Premier, who are still very much respected in today’s music world. On that particular album, they had a track called “Just to Get a Rep.” That song was about pussy-ass losers that would do something violent just to get street credibility. This particular rant is aimed directly at the Montreal North loser wannabe Tupac motherfuckers, okay? Listen to me on this, no one can argue with what I’m about to say: Tupac was a POSEUR. He was no gangster. Tupac was a dancer for Digital Underground, then a year later he comes out with this big gangsta album. All you Montreal North et j’espère que les editeurs de la Rant Line™ connaissent le Francais un peu, vous êtes tous les petits gangsta-wannabes de Montreal-Nord, vous êtes tous les hostie poseurs! Tous les latinos, tous les haitiennes, tous les jamaicains, you’re all a bunch of pathetic wannabe gangsta loser motherfuckers! You hang out on St-Laurent, you cause shit and you give a bad name to the rest of your ethnicity, to the rest of your race, to the rest of your nationality. All you wannabe gangstas that think you’re all tough—whether your skin is black or brown or white—all you motherfuckers that listen to that Biggie and Tupac fake gangsta hip hop, you guys are a bunch of fucking faggots! Okay? And that is no disrespect to the homosexual community, because a faggot and a homosexual are not the same thing, but that’s a rant for another time. You are pussies and one of these days you’re going to get stabbed or SHOT by another pussy like you deserve. Okay? So if you’re from Montreal North, if you’re from NDG, if you’re from Lachine, Lasalle, whatever, if you’re a pussy wannabe gangsta, stay off the Main. Stay the fuck off St-Laurent boulevard, you stupid fucks. Go to Crescent street if you want to go out, go downtown. You guys are pathetic loser motherfuckers who can’t handle your booze and then you start fucking shit at 3:30 in the morning. You’re all, like, “Yo, quoi, la, yo, yo, yo, yo.” Fuck you and fuck your fucking yos! All right? You are pathetic wastes of human fucking flesh! I know there’s guns in Montreal, I’m not stupid, I know there’s drugs and knives and guns and dickheads, but you fucking losers, vous êtes pathétique. Traduction: you are pathetic. Thank you very much. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M Would I be a nutsack if I were to say that I’m already tired of NIKKI YANOFSKY? Okay, she’s 14, she sings well, Phil Ramone has been her producer, but blah blah blah. [BLEEP!]

M Hopefully someone out there can help me out. I’m a pretty big guy but my dick is about the size of an INDEX FINGER. All regular condoms are way too big. I was wondering if anyone has seen those Surgiform condoms, little tiny things there? Nurses use them, they roll down your finger? I was wondering if anybody could tell me if I could use those as a condom. Regular condoms are just way too big, they just keep sliding off. It’d be a great help. I obviously don’t want to go up to a pharmacist to ask that because then I’d actually have to tell him the problem. So any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I’m tired of seeing girls wearing PANTS. Come on, girls, put on those short skirts and let’s see those sexy legs. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to tell a little story about some BITCH COPS I met a little while ago. I was going to the dep at, like, 10:49 and I really needed to pee. So I peed on the side of a house and these two women cops came over to me—I didn’t really pee yet, I just peed a little bit—and they’re, like, “What are you doing?” And I’m, like, “I was about to pee.” And she was, like, “I don’t believe you, I think you peed.” Then she went over to look where my pee was and she spent two minutes looking for my pee and she didn’t even notice this big open bottle of BEER that was sitting, like, three inches away from my pee! So she couldn’t bust me for peeing because she couldn’t find the pee and she couldn’t bust me for open alcohol ‘cuz she was too busy looking for my pee. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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