THIS WEEK: Big belly, hand job, fungus,
large mouth bass!

PLUS: Tiffany!!

M Hi Rant Line™, I’m calling in response to the person who wondered why everyone was picking on the hipsters and not the hip hop kids. Well, he probably doesn’t read the Rant Line™ a lot because we’ve always been talking bad about the hip hop kids! The hipsters? It’s most likely like the flavour of the week. Just like people used to hate the EMO kids a few months ago. So you don’t have to worry. People hate hip hop kids just like they hate taggers. [BLEEP!]

M Pick up, pick up, it’s a stick up, stick up. Maybe I have LIGHT SKIN but I’ve got to say that Biggie is the best rapper that ever was. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F This one goes out to all the Lasalle BUS LINE DJS. For the love of all things holy, please purchase some earphones. Those of us who need some peace and quiet don’t want to hear your crap music blaring out of the tiny speaker on your cellphone. Go get a job in a nightclub! If I want to listen to music while on the bus, I will provide my own. Leave the rest of the people who are grumpy enough because they’re all the way out in Lasalle alone! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this goes out to that LOUDMOUTH jerk at l’Academie on St-Denis two Saturdays ago. My friends and I were trying to have a nice birthday get-together and you were going on and on, yammering, just making everyone uncomfortable. Where did you think you were—les Trois Brasseurs or some place like that on Ste-Catherine where that kind of attitude is acceptable?! You know, St-Laurent and St-Denis, it’s a little more classy than Ste-Catherine. So you should probably take your act there or you will get what you deserve. You’re just lucky that I didn’t get up from my table and lunge a BUTTER KNIFE at you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™ my name is TIFFANY and I’ve been reading your column for many weeks now. I’m new to the city from B.C. I’m not here to rant, I’m here to put out an idea. I’m looking for a group of people, a group of ladies, who would like to go out, because I have not experienced the local music scene and it sounds all so very COOL. I’m into salsa, the Latin scene, hip hop, all the alternative stuff—hey, I’m willing to experience anything. You know, plays, anything artsy. I’m kind of looking for people to get together, you know, a couple times a month, even once a week to do stuff during the day and maybe a couple nights out a couple times a month. So if this gets printed, great, I can be contacted at tiffs@live.ca Thanks! [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I’m calling from a PAYPHONE because my phone is TAPPED. I would like to talk to the guy who recently received hate mail and BBQ sauce in his mailbox for posting a Canadian flag on the Plateau. I’d like to meet and talk with you. My e-mail address is moodybabyblue@gmail.com. I think we have something in common and we don’t have to put up with it. So thank you and have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m looking for a chick who likes a guy with a BIG BELLY, like, a small ass, sort of short, 5 foot 8. I’m just wondering if there’s any hot chicks out there who like guys with big bellies? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy with the ITCHY BALLS. I just wanted to relate a similar story. I’ve had the same problem for about as long as I can remember, since I was about 13. Don’t worry about it, dude—I’ve been scratching my balls like that, good and hard, for a long amount of time. It’s totally NORMAL. I even went to the doctor and asked about it and he said it usually develops when you’re a child, when you’re PREPUBESCENT, and you scratch and you start thinking you have to do it all the time. Anyway, I do it at least three or four times a week, get in there, get a good scratch and then feel good after. So I really wouldn’t worry about it. As long as you’re checked out, then I’d say you’re fine. Enjoy scratching, man. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy with itchy balls. You got jock itch, buddy. It’s a FUNGUS. You can have it cleared, it’s like athlete’s foot. Though I agree, dude, it does feel good to scratch your balls, the whole bunch of them, just lie there with your legs spread and let the cold breeze gently take away the itch. P.S. Don’t use soap. [BLEEP!]

F All right, someone else who loves LAVAL. I always thought I was the only one. [BLEEP!]

M In response to the guy’s rant about Laval. Listen, Laval sucks! So I guess now he’s going to come down and I’m going to get a mouthful of his cock, but it’s okay, you’re NOT GAY because you’ll just close your eyes and pretend I’m a chick. First of all, that’s just weird. Second of all, when you close your eyes, I’ll have my dog suck your cock. Even better, I’ll go out and buy a LARGE MOUTH BASS and have that suck your cock. And you know what? I’m sure it will help you feel right at home with your dirty stinking Laval ho’s. [BLEEP!]

F I want to share one of the better feelings in life with everybody. It’s Saturday morning and you gave your boyfriend a HAND JOB. You get cum off of your hand and you kind of wipe it off on the sheets but you can tell that there’s still some cum on your hand. Anyways, you leave and you go try and buy something but the cashier’s a dick to you. So you get really pissed off about it until you realize afterwards, guess who just got RESIDUAL CUM on their hands when I gave you money? [BLEEP!]

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