THIS WEEK: Katacombes, Laval,
itchy ball sack!

PLUS: Globalization responsible for
hipster infestation, expert claims!!

M The music’s pretty fucking loud at the fucking KATACOMBES right now but what fucking sucks is the fucking non-smoker’s law about fucking not smoking in bars. All of my friends are outside smoking fucking cigarettes and I’m fucking sitting here watching all of their drinks by myself at the bar. I’m listening to fucking good music but, still, I’m by myself and it’s no fucking joke. Oh yeah, I’m a non-smoker, but I don’t give a fuck. This no smoking in Quebec bars sucks. [BLEEP!]

M Look, all I’ve got to say is I’m a little too under the influence of sorts to get this point across properly but, look, what’s important is that LAVAL RULES. Any stupid-ass Montrealer who tries to tell me otherwise is going to end up with a mouthful of my cock and it doesn’t make me GAY that I’m going to put my cock in someone else’s mouth because, if I close my eyes, I can pretend the other guy is a girl and, you know, talking about girls, Laval has better girls. Fuck the metro stations. Yeah, that’s my rant, so, peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, hello Montreal. This rant goes out to girls on ANTI-PSYCHOTICS and/or ANTI-DEPRESSANTS who like to go out to popular Montreal bars. I DJ in a popular Montreal bar—as a matter of fact, it’s more commonly referred to as a dive—it’s in contention for Best Dive in Montreal every year in the Best of Montreal Readers Poll. Listen, all you girls on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, whether or not you qualify as COUGARS, you cannot blatantly send out mixed messages! You’re going to be the victim of some confused guy or the rantings of some confused guy. If you mix powerful psychotropic pharmaceuticals with alcohol, that is going to happen. Negative experiences, you will have plenty of them! It’s logic! Think about it. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F I SHOPLIFT all the time, like, even for things I don’t need and for things that don’t even fit me. But I only shoplift in the places that deserve to have shoplifters, places that are super rich. But what kind of person steals VINYL from a mom and pop store?! I just don’t understand how people could be so stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This message is for those of you who voted for the Conservatives. Go drown in a vat of orange juice. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I just got back from the grocery store and I just want to say that I’m eating the most IRONIC FOOD ever and that’s dehydrated watermelon. How is that possibly worth it? [BLEEP!]

M Hipster? Oh, is that what you call them? Oh my God, we’re so out of the loop, we’ve been calling them BUGGER FUCKERS for the last five years. Peace be with ya, out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? I just smoked a BIG FAT ONE and I started pondering about the whole issue that’s been going on about the hipsters, nobody likes hipsters or whatever, because I’ve been reading about that. So here’s the deal. No one likes hipsters anymore because it’s become mainstream. The hipster, back in the day, used to go to thrift stores, second-hand stores, really go to get some vintage stuff, right. It was all about how vintage was it and how limited edition was it and the idea of rarity. So if it’s rare, it’s cool, which means you put effort into it, which means you know what it is to dress up right. But now, it’s so easy to become a hipster. You go to Urban Outfitters, you go to any other freaking hipster store, they’re all around. But, here’s the deal, no one likes it when everyone is conforming. No one wants to conform, yet with the issue of GLOBALIZATION, everyone is conforming! It’s, like, a vicious cycle kind of thing. So what can you do except, hey, man, you’re a hipster, I’m a hipster, join the fun. Let’s enjoy, all right. Peace, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, I’m calling because I just found out where the big MILK advertisement that’s being projected on a building on St-Laurent is being projected from and it kind of annoys me. I was walking by and there’s someone with a projector on top of a car and someone else sitting in the car, IDLING the car, so the projector can run. It’s been running for six hours. I think that’s really ridiculous and wasteful and kind of pathetic to have a milk ad run for six hours on an idling car. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. It’s four in the morning and I was just walking through a park in downtown Montreal and I bought a bike off a junkie. If anybody would like it back, it has the numbers SC1800 on it. Let me know. I’d love to fulfill your KARMA. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hey guys, an UPSKIRT is not something that you actively seek out, it’s something that just happens to you at random, by being at the right place at the right time. So stop being pigs and trying to look up women’s skirts— especially when it’s my girlfriend. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here’s the deal. I, for, maybe it’s been a year, have been periodically getting really itchy in my groin area, right? Now, it’s not CRABS because crabs is like all-the-time itchy like nuts. But the point is, I realize I could go to a doctor and seek help and it’s probably very simple and quick because it’s not there all the time, but it feels so good when you scratch it and you have that relief from fucking driving-you-nuts itchy, that I’m kind of hanging on to it for a little while. So tell me if I’m fucked up? It’s not, like, all the time, but when it comes, it’s like sometimes whatever and then you’re like, ahhhhhhhh, when I get to scratch it. It’s your BALL SACK or something. That’s my rant. I hope I get published. [BLEEP!]

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