THIS WEEK: Liggers, short people, girls
with tattoos!

PLUS: How gay are video games?!

M I just saw a show at Pop Montreal and it was the best of times and the worst of times. This is directed to about a quarter of the crowd at Sala Rosa, those of you who were back by the BAR because you had free passes or something. I don’t know how you got in, but you were not LISTENING to the band. You were just CHATTING. It ruins the show for the three-quarters or four-fifths of the people who are there who actually want to see the show. Every time I go to a Pop Montreal show, it’s the same thing—all these douches from other bands or assholes with week-long passes are back there drinking and chatting. In a lot of ways, it takes away from the performers, which is what Pop Montreal should be all about. So I hope your tongues get cut off and stamped on by GOATS. [BLEEP!]

F This is TAM again in response to the person who just ranted about my previous rant the week before. Let me explain, you completely misunderstood my point. If a journalist is going to write up about a musician they should do their RESEARCH and find out what the person’s actual influences are rather than just describing them as who the journalist imagines them to be influenced by. Okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? I’m just calling about the Method Man and Redman show. You know, I went and saw GZA and RZA and I almost wanted to KILL MYSELF after that show, it was so bad. I almost decided I would never go to a Wu-tang show again but after seeing Redman and Method Man, they tore that shit up. That was the craziest show I’ve seen in years! Thank you. Thank you, Redman and Method Man. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F I would like to rant about Metropolis. Unfortunately, the Spectrum closed down, which was one of the last places in Montreal where we could be comfortable and see the show whether we’re FOUR FEET HIGH or 18 feet high. Now we’re stuck with Metropolis. I went to see Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and it was sold out and it was impossible to be comfortable. You can never see a thing in the Metropolis! You move upstairs and people bug you, “No, you can’t stay here, you can’t stay there.” Definitely it is completely unfair for people who are shorter than 5’8” . [BLEEP!]

F I’ve noticed that in the Mirror there’s a lot of talk lately about hipsters. And I think it’s about time that I joined the fray, because I have something to say too. You know what? I hate them! I hate anyone who acts so PAINFULLY COOL—the type of people who walk around going “I’m so cool” that it fuckin’ hurts. “I’m so strategically dishevelled” and “Look at me, I’m so purposely tattered.” And guys in really tight American Apparel pants and, “Oh, I’ve got a shirt with an ’80s reference on it and I’m wearing sunglasses that look like really tacky early ’90s sunglasses, you know, like the kind you’d see in a Seinfeld episode only they’re not, you know?” Arggh. [BLEEP!]

M [w/Caribbean accent] This is for the ignorant dickhead who has a problem with the accents. I’m second generation of the so-called Caribbean. I have what I guess you racists would call a bit of an accent— because I grew up in a household with an accent! So fuck you and power to all the people with a Caribbean accent! [BLEEP!]

M Yo Rant Line™. Is it really necessary for people to be wearing FLIP FLOPS outside when it’s 10 degrees? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I work in a restaurant in the Plateau and, more often than not, men will comment on my TATTOO. But instead of saying, “So do you like tattoos?” why don’t you give me an interesting compliment? Something demonstrating your truly manly perception. By the way, all that CHARM disappears when you leave me no tips. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I was just trying to solve a little riddle. I was wondering for a little while now what would you think is the percentage of GAY GameCube or video game players? It seems to be a heterosexual thing, you know what I mean? Personally, I’m gay myself, and I don’t understand the fascination of playing a game for six hours in a row? My head would EXPLODE. [BLEEP!]

F Fuck you, bike thieves. Fuck you for making me CRY when I went outside and my bike was gone, you fucking assholes. [BLEEP!]

M Well, Canada is AMERICA’S HAT. And the United States are way too uncomfortable to live without a hat because they’re balding, you know, so they need Canada. I’m drunk. [BLEEP!]

M One week it’s hate mail, the next week they fill my fucking mailbox with BARBECUE SAUCE. Man, what the fuck? It’s a flag! [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, this is to the Single Girl. Although I haven’t seen you in person, you really turn me on. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is to that girl who was EYEBALLING me at Tokyo the other night. I know you’re Wesley’s girlfriend. I don’t give a fuck. I saw your eyes, you saw mine. Fuck that motherfucker! Me baby, me. [BLEEP!]

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