THIS WEEK: Battletoads, baby seals, catfight!

PLUS: Snowboarders vs. hipsters!!

M Hi there, Tam who is in the Pop Montreal booklet. I find it interesting that you took the time to call in and tell us that you never heard of Liz Phair instead of just listening to Liz Phair. In fact, you took it further and said that you probably wouldn’t like Liz Phair. That doesn’t sound like a lot of musicians I know—most are open-minded enough to listen to new music, especially if somebody says it sounds like you were influenced by them. You know, I never really heard of you, Tam, before I read the Rant Line™. But I have heard Liz Phair and I’m sure Liz Phair is a lot better and I wouldn’t even like Tam if I heard you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Mirror, would you stop writing about Hexes & Ohs. They suck ass. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the MODS—especially all you fans of Paul Weller. I was debating going to see the Jam on their North American tour and then I found out Paul Weller would NOT be singing. Now I’m going for sure. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, listen, I’ve got this problem here with these motherfucking snowboarders. There was some kind of O’Neill Oakley joke-ass shit happening on St-Laurent and I walked by and I was admiring someone’s van and they were all like, “Hey hipster, you got a fucking rolling paper?” And I said, “No, nice leopard van” and they were all, like, “It’s a fucking zebra van!” And they were all calling me a douchebag because apparently I’m a hipster. Now since when is hipster a bad thing? Look at JACK KEROUAC and all those guys—they were cool dudes. They were super cool. Snowboarders vs. hipsters is the new mods vs. rockers. Like, we’re going to have a showdown at the Old Port. So every snowboarder in town, meet there Friday 6 p.m. Bring your Oakleys, bring your O’Neill brand whips and I’ll mash your face in with my fucking FLASK, you pieces of douche. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, the Kops Crew were relevant maybe in 1994 but they’re not relevant anymore. For all their referencing Aleister Crowley, they probably don’t know anything about Crowley and the FREEMASONS or anything like that. None of those guys even fucking write anymore. They don’t do any graffiti, they’re just a bunch of rich kids who own a few things. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This rant goes out to the spray-paint artist who spray-painted the EMPRESS THEATRE in NDG. Just a little warning: I’m going to be camping out in Girouard park across the street for every single night for the rest of my life and if I see you spray-paint the theatre again, I’m going to take the spray-paint bottle, shove it up your ass, light a match and blow your entire body up, biatch. [BLEEP!]

M Hey. This is Big Al from Verdun. I just want to say I love the way the Montreal cops looked this summer. Combat pants and that RED CAP, I just love it. They don’t look so fucking authoritative anymore. Less like Nazis and more like people. I say way to go. I hope they never solve their fucking contract. Stick with it, boys, I love it. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. This is just a rant about lack of a copy of BATTLETOADS for the Nintendo Wii around Montreal at EB Games or video game stores in general. I can’t believe it! I tried pre-ordering it with the free wriststrap but apparently they will deny me my true glory of 100 [unintelligible]. Cockbag. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl wondering why a male strip club customer will turn around and leave if he’s the only one there. It’s because, in this profession, all customers know the dancers need money and he will feel very AWKWARD and uncomfortable with all those eyes on him. He may just want to sit there and have a quiet little drink while he makes up his mind slowly. That is the number one reason. He likes the attention to be DIFFUSED. I know because I’m a dancer. Take care. [BLEEP!]

F This doesn’t apply to all men, because I go to strip clubs with my male friends, but most of the men that go to strip clubs frequently OBJECTIFY women. They enjoy being surrounded by other COCKS because it makes them feel powerful and in control, so they can reinforce that oppression of females. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, we leave the strip clubs because we don’t want all you GOLD DIGGERS all over us. We need more people there so you don’t have to concentrate just on us. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Yo. This is to the ho who bitched to the Single Girl who was looking for advice. Listen, if you got picked up twice in the last five minutes, it’s probably because of your crystal clear reputation as a ho. If you’re one of those snobby-ass fake Plateau hippies who wear name-brand expensive clothes for two days just so they can say it but don’t let them get dirty because it’s too fucking gross for your fat wallet, then fuck you and fuck your lame advice. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to my Single Girl rant. They gave me really good feedback. I took their advice and I had some really wonderful results! And to the DIRTY CROTCH CHICK who ranted simply to try to put me down, if you have nothing constructive to say then why don’t you shut the fuck up, you dirty panty-wearing moron! MEOW, low self-esteem bitch, MEOW. [BLEEP!]

M I know this is a Rant Line™ not a JOKE LINE but I got a good joke for you guys. So a baby seal walks into a club. Yeah, that’s it. [BLEEP!]

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