Access granted pt. 1

by RAF KATIGBAK

My first draft of this column opened with a pretty funny rant about stereotypes and how the worst thing about them is when they’re actually true. It went on to bitch about how I hate it when my friends call me when they can’t figure out some kind of computer or technology thing, expecting that I will know the answer, or that once they hand their gadget to me, I’ll press a few buttons and miraculously unlock their phone or program their Tivo. The zinger of the whole thing was that I hated this, not because I resent the stereotype of the tech-savvy Asian, but because I actually am a tech-savvy Asian (get it? I’m fulfilling the stereotype! Har-har).

It then continued by saying that it’s not that Asians are more tech savvy, it’s more that most white people are dumb. But then it went on to say that that wasn’t really fair, and mentioned the time when a Trekkie laughed at me because I didn’t know the difference between a Vulcan and Romulan. “Well, you see,” I replied, “it’s not because I’m dumb. It’s just that I don’t care.”

Anyway, the whole Asian technology thing was written partially as a clever segue into my love/hate relationship with TV, and partially because some staff at the Mirror had an informal pool going on about when I would next mention being Asian in my column and I wanted to fuck with them a bit. But you know what? Why don’t I just cut to the chase and get right to the point: I have a love/hate relationship with TV. There. That wasn’t so hard.

The whole love/hate thing started a few weeks ago, when a friend asked me to help set up his satellite TV. Of course, being the tech-savvy Asian that I am, I said yes, and before I knew it, I was standing on his roof using an 18-inch dish to find something about the size of an SUV floating 3,5680 kilometers above the earth. In the rain. It was tough going but after two days, 13 beers, seven mild electrical shocks and countless swears, we finally got it up and running. We were ecstatic. Once again, man triumphed over technology and we all high-fived each other, secure in our manhood and blissfully proud of our achievement. Until we turned it on, and were faced with 733 channels…of nothing.

There has never been such a sign that our world was going to hell than flipping through the channels and seeing the most depressing shit on TV.

How many home shopping networks does the world need? How many extreme sports channels? Do I really need to see another reality show about adultery or bad relationships? Cheaters? Really? Flipping through the channels was like having Western culture puke its guts out in front of me. It’s where mankind’s bad ideas go to die. And yet, I loved it. And I hated myself for loving it. But I loved how I hated myself. And so on…

But there is a saving grace for television and it’s two words: Temptation Island. Just kidding. For me, the best thing about television is Cable Access. If cable television is where bad ideas go to die, then Cable Access is where bad ideas are reborn like a low-budget cardboard phoenix rising from digital CGI ashes. This is the true democratization of media. In a land of Clear Channel homogenization, local cable access breathes a raw new life into entertainment.

Personally, I find it infinitely more engaging to watch someone like Alexyss K. Tylor poetically proselytize to her mom about “Penis Power” on Atlanta’s People TV, and way more inspiring to see the power of positive thinking watching John Kilduff paint a fat guy’s portrait while running on a treadmill AND dressing a chicken on L.A. cable access show Let’s Paint TV, and way more entertaining to let the mysterious creepiness of Winnipeg’s ’90s brother and sister variety show The Pollock & Pollock Gossip Hour seep over me.

My faith in cable access was renewed last week, when I had the honour of being a guest on Chicago Access Network Television’s show Chic-A-Go-Go. Chic-a-Go-Go is a kids’ dance show that mixes toddlers, low-budget puppets and independent music guests on Chicago’s CAN TV. Imagine a mix of Romper Room with Soul Train and The Decline of Western Civilization and you’re almost there. For 12 years, the show has been getting little ones grooving to the sound of off-centre guests from Quintron, Shonen Knife and Red Krayola to legends like the New York Dolls, the Specials, the Cramps, Motörhead, and Marky Ramone. The experience was nothing short of inspirational. But I’ll save the details for next week’s column. For now, Google “Chic-a-go-go” for past shows and be forewarned, I’m determined to get a Montreal version of the show off the ground…

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca