Hot Pocket heinousness

Sometimes, you’re just pushed and pushed and the whole world takes and takes and then your friends betray you and you get home and feel like crying and you think, “Thank God there’s a Hot Pocket.” But no. Your brother has set his sights on that lone Hot Pocket. And then you just fucking snap, as was the case for an 18-year-old South Bend, Indiana, man.

Completely dismissing the fact that Hot Pockets have been the subject of three food recalls already this year, and that Hot Pockets are a clump of saucy death in a pastry shell, the man really wanted that Hot Pocket. So when his 20-year-old brother laid claim to it, the gauntlet was thrown. The two shoved and fought before kid brother finally grabbed a steak knife and plunged it into big brother’s left side. Big brother managed to get the knife away from his little brother, and then, because Hot Pockets and cowardice go hand-in-hand, the little brother ran away.

Big brother was treated for minor injuries and sent home. As of presstime, little brother remained at large, and possibly hungry.

by SCOTT SAXON