THIS WEEK: B-Sides, throw-ups,
volleyball voyeurs!

PLUS: Hot Hydro meter readers!!

M Hey, I just want to say that I saw the B-Sides’ set at Bistro de Paris last Friday, for the launch of their Wreck of Heaven album, and it was really, really good. Really awesome band. But Johnson Cummins said in Punkusraucous Rex that they were a POWER POP band from FRANCE? I don’t know what he is smoking but I want some of it because they’re not from France. They’re based in MONTREAL and they play an awesome combination of ’60s and ’70s PSYCHEDELIC GARAGE PUNK ROCK. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I went downtown to the Talib Kweli show on Thursday night and got really DRUNK and tried to fight a bunch of people and I’d just like to apologize to all of Montreal and to anyone I pissed off that night. Sorry. [BLEEP!]

M This is Dan from local punk act Society’s Ills. My rant is not about the local music scene—which I believe is thriving, with bands like Trigger Effect and the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America. It’s about the hot girl who came to my place to check the HYDRO METER—anyone else seen her?? She’s a REDHEAD. [BLEEP!]

M You know what pisses me off? When I’m walking down the street and I see a nice MURAL, you know, something that someone took the time to paint on the side of a store, maybe they got paid for it, and it’s ruined by fucking graffiti. Shitty-ass little tags and THROW-UPS that nobody gives a fuck about. Graffiti artists keep trying to argue that they make art, but too often I see them not appreciate art in the city. So you know what? Stop being toys, you little bitches. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to that dumb bitch waitress who thinks that tipping is mandatory. Listen, bitch, tip, T-I-P, stands for To Insure Promptness. It is a bonus on top of what you pay for the meal. It’s not a MANDATORY service charge. And if you’re taking your time catering to people who have bigger bills because you want a bigger tip percentage, you’re entitled to nothing. As far as I’m concerned, if I ever get you as a waitress, you’re getting nothing as a tip. Nothing. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, everybody, it’s fall time. Time to put on your HIPSTER SCARVES. [BLEEP!]

M This is to that little prick, I see him every week, he’s ROAMING around Jeanne-Mance park, around where the volleyball players are. I just want to tell you, I’m onto you. I’m onto what you’re doing with your SICK LITTLE CAMERA and your games. Oh, your day of reckoning is going to come. And, anyway, you’re taking good time and space away from me, who really wants to take photos of the volleyball players. In any case, that’s my little rant. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Rant Line™, this is a rant about the lack of STAPLES in the Mirror which falls apart like the circulars that I friggin’ well get in the PubliSac that has no friggin’ staples. The goddamn things fall apart. What’s with the lack of staples, man? Is there a shortage of staples? Use a friggin’ staple! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this has been a long time coming. This is regarding BEN MULRONEY and eTalk and Canadian Idol. Every day I try and call up CFCF-12, the programming department, and make a complaint. You can’t get through, they don’t answer, whatever. Now I mean, this is Ben Mulroney overkill. I often wonder, do they pay this guy, or does he pay the station to be on all the time? I mean, it’s getting to a point where it’s sickening. They show eTalk three times a day, at 1 p.m. in the afternoon, then at 7:30 at night and then again at 2 a.m. Same show. God, I wish people would call in and complain about him and we’d get him off. I’d even rather watch repeats of Sue Thomas. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the single woman who says she’s challenging Montreal men to talk to women. I’m a Montreal-born man, but I’ve been working in the Dominican Republic, Cuba and Jamaica for the last four years of my life. Over there, if you don’t talk to women and let them know that they look good and they are beautiful, they think you’re either a BATTY BOY or just plain stupid. So where do you hang out, single good-looking women who want men to talk to you? Because every time I smile at a woman, they think I’m out of my mind. From a single man looking for a single woman who just might be horny. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, single women of Montreal. I have a challenge for you. Next time you see a nice looking man who smiles at you or looks at you, you go talk to him. Because it’s not necessarily his job. And maybe he has a girlfriend, but that doesn’t stop him from looking. If you went over and talked to him, you’d find out what the deal is. [BLEEP!]

M To the single girl who wonders why men in Montreal just look and don’t ask her out. The answer is simple: we’re POOR. I’m not asking you out to dinner because I didn’t think that a slice of pizza and half a Mountain Dew would impress you. Lord knows, there’s nothing wrong with being piss-poor, hell, that’s why anglos move to Montreal, isn’t it? However, I promise that if I ever get my hands on some SERIOUS CASHOLA, I will walk right up to you, place my hand gently on your shoulder and shove my tongue down your throat. [BLEEP!]

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