THIS WEEK: Time, tips, meat,
soap opera furniture!

PLUS: Big bang theory debunked!!

M Hi. I’m calling about people who don’t show up to music shows on TIME. It pisses me off because for those of us who do show up on time, we have to wait an hour and a half for the people that didn’t show up on time, so that the show can actually start. So, people, if you’re going to a show and it says starting at 8 p.m., show up for fucking 8 p.m.! [BLEEP!]

M I just want to wish a fond farewell to the ANGEL of Parc Avenue, Judy St. James. She had a voice as BIG as her heart. A great singer, songwriter, poetess and artist. She was, above all, a true friend. We all miss you and love you, Judy. Montreal’s loss is heaven’s gain. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. It’s that time of year again, first week of September. Just a shout out to all the new, new kids on the block to remind them to TIP your waitresses, your waiters, your bartenders and your bartenderesses. Because otherwise we get to stand there and watch you eat and watch you drink and we get to pay for it. So if you don’t tip us, I’m giving you a big fucking fuck you—and don’t come back because we remember your FACES. And if you do tip us, I thank you profusely. You’re awesome. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, my rant is about all the motherfucking soap operas and TV shows that are fully furnished with IMPECCABLE FURNITURE and yet we have no fucking furniture to give poor victims of hurricanes and tornadoes and the homeless in the motherfucking 514 area code. What is wrong with us, man? I suggest that we get a union going and go rob all the soap opera stages of all that shit and give it to the homeless. And homophobia sucks and you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Ha ha! Tip your waitresses too. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t so much a rant as it is a question of CURIOSITY, but what’s up with all these McGill students and teachers walking around in GRIFFINTOWN and in the southwest ’hood of Old Montreal, taking all these pictures? I mean, I got told that Griffintown might get wiped off the face of the map of Montreal. Well, Christ, it’s already been about 50, 60, almost 100 years since anyone’s given a shit about this place—why is all of a sudden everybody concerned? [BLEEP!]

F I’m ranting because I’m a SINGLE WOMAN in Montreal, okay? I take care of myself. I dress well, I look good and my rant is with the men of Montreal who look and smile but never approach a woman. Come on, Montreal men, do more than look and smile! Come and say hi and maybe start up a conversation and maybe ask a woman out because we are lonely and HORNY too, and we want someone to ask us out and to talk to us and strike up a conversation. So this is a challenge for Montreal men— when you see a cute girl, don’t just smile, don’t just stare. Talk to her. Please. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Our local graffiti taggers don’t tag cars because the graffiti artists in the States don’t do it. Our graffiti artists don’t even understand what the concept of originality means. Their graffiti looks exactly the same as every other city’s graffiti. If they started tagging cars in other cities, then our local taggers would blindly follow them. [BLEEP!]

M I think we should all become vegan because the MEAT INDUSTRY treats animals very cruelly and then it kills them. This is pure evil and it has to stop. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I don’t know if this will seem politically incorrect or not but I was wondering if anybody knows where I can find some Twin Towers COMMEMORATIVE MODELS that are candles? So you can light them and they burn down real slow? Can anybody help me with that? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I need some help, Rant Line™. My wife is a musician from JAPAN and she needs to find a FAMILY DOCTOR. There’s no emergency but what the fuck is up with Quebec and not being able to get a doctor? The CLSC Plateau says they don’t even have a waiting list. It’s brutal. Help me out. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just wanted to answer that question from the guy who asked what happens when you die? Obviously, you are REINCARNATED. When you think about life and read anything about any religion, that’s pretty much what it says. As for his other question, where does the universe end? Well, that’s a really stupid question because ending refers to time and distance and obviously the universe is a place of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES, right? The universe never began, it’ll never end—the BIG BANG, that’s a piece of crap! That’s bad science! Anyway, that’s what I have to say—the universe will never end and we become someone else after we die. Okay. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F What happens to us after we die is that we become exactly what we were before we were born. And the universe only goes as far as your IMAGINATION can take you. If there’s anything else, feel free to ask. I’m a girl, therefore I have the answer to everything and I’m always right. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

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