Sausage slappin’

A pair of farmhands, a guy in boxers, some exotic spices and an eight-inch sausage across the face. It’s got all the makings of gay porn. But this is, in fact, a story about a crime. Two farmhands were awakened in their Fresno, California, home by a man clad in underpants, a t-shirt and socks. One farmhand was roused when the stranger started rubbing him down with a blend of spices. The other was more rudely disturbed from his slumbers by the dull, wet thud of a sausage slapping across his face and head.

Spooked by the arrival of police, who’d been called to check out a burglary in progress, the man fled the house. The farm workers then realized their home had been ransacked, some cash stolen and the spices and sausage had been pilfered from their own kitchen. They also discovered the stranger had been wearing pants when he entered and those pants were still in the house—along with the man’s wallet and ID.

Antonio Vasquez was picked up for the break-in and culinary assault. Though the stolen cash was recovered, Vasquez claimed the sausage used in the attack was eaten by a stray dog.

by SCOTT SAXON