Dear Sasha, I’m a 25-year-old woman and am unclear if I’m orgasming when I have sex or masturbate. Sometimes, I ejaculate and feel a sense of release. Other times, when I don’t ejaculate, I experience a build-up until I feel satisfied and can’t take anymore but I don’t feel a similar sense of release.
I don’t know whether this is an orgasm or not. I enjoy both experiences, but I always feel better after ejaculating. Is this common? What am I experiencing? Are there any resources that could help me make sense of this?
-Confused Clit
Dear Confused,
I tend to agree with Jamye Waxman’s statement in her book Getting Off, when talking about her first orgasm: “Before that…I just assumed that I must have [come]. I was having partner sex after all. I figured that orgasms must not be as amazing as everyone made them out to be. How could they be if I wasn’t even feeling them, or knowing the difference? What I later discovered, after that first Big O, was that not knowing if I’d had one actually meant I never had.”
In my own experience, orgasm is unambiguous, and while I too went through a period where I thought I might be coming and couldn’t really offer any firm answers to my sex partners, when I finally did, the proverbial light went on. Some women can ejaculate without coming, but you would know for certain if you’d actually had an orgasm.
While I cannot condone the hideous use of the word “clitty” in Waxman’s book (thank Christ there are only about two instances of it because it’s the one word for clitoris that makes me want to lob mine off), I will recommend it as a source for understanding, embracing and enhancing female orgasm, especially for the beginner. There are exhaustive resources in the final chapter too.
Dear Sasha, My boyfriend is—let’s put it this way—completely vanilla. Plain boring sex—no variety. Not even a light smack on the ass once in a while. I, on the other hand, have fetishes (PVC, leather, heels, the list goes on) and love being submissive (bondage, spanking). He’s close-minded about this but I love him to death. I tried exposing him to it slowly, like wearing leather, and even one of my waist-cinching PVC corsets. I asked him what he thought about it, but all he said was, “It’s alright,” or “Not really my thing.” Am I putting too much emphasis on wearing the things I want to wear? If I am, it’s only because I want him to see how/why it’s sexy. How do I get him to be my Master and not just my lover?
-Please Help
Dear Please
,
Discussing your sexual differences beforehand would have been a good idea but since you’ve gone and fallen in love and it seems clear that playing with other people is out of the question, let’s turn to Ari Gold, the charismatically vicious agent in the television series Entourage (and a man who frequently pervades my thoughts during self-pollutions) for some words of wisdom. In one episode, he is invited by a young actress to attend a party at her home. “Thank you,” he says impassively, “you know I’d love to show up but it’s actually anal sex night at the Gold house. But thank you for the invite, I’m gonna go home and punish my wife.”
So, why can’t it be corsets and bootlicking night at the Please Help house? Would it kill him to lay a hairbrush across your ass once in a while? Call you bitch? See, compromise is, unhappily at times, the essence of any partnership and if your boyfriend’s not going to give in, as you have to his vanilla ways, you’re going to get bored and nothing kills a relationship quite as virulently as boredom. This unyielding temperament of his will expose itself in other ways and you may find your affection quickly turning to contempt. Before this happens, perhaps you should both have a look at Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM |
