THIS WEEK: Silver Jews, OSM, cervical pain!

PLUS: Why do taggers not tag cars?!

F This is to all the people who decide to put on the most awesome concerts during the week when poor SAD SAPS like us have to work the next day. I’ve been waiting since May to go see Bullet for my Valentine. They finally come and the one day I want to go see them, I can’t because the tickets are not only sold out but the show is on a Monday. Whose bright idea is it to put on a concert on a Monday night when people have to work the next day? [BLEEP!]

M Hi Montreal. I know everyone’s kind of sad, it’s been a rough summer. Gasoline prices are outrageous. The food prices are getting higher and the weather’s not been great. But, listen, God is sending us an angel in the form of MR. DAVID BERMAN on September 3 and he’s going to make sense out of everything. So everything’s going to be okay. [BLEEP!]

M To the person who called in referring to TEXTING at a concert and then said it’s better than screaming over the music. It is quite clear that it was at a ROCK SHOW, it wasn’t at a concert. The word concert is used when you’re talking about the Orchestre Symphonique de Montreal playing at the Place-des-Arts. That’s a concert. When a rock group plays at a venue, it’s a show. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, hey, Rant Line™. This is Rats. Just wanted to let everybody know that my BASS has been found. Kudos to you, Steve. Thank God, man, you rock, know what I’m saying? And a big fat thank you to the Rant Line™ for printing that up so quickly. That was really excellent. You guys rock ass. Very happy Rats. Bass is back. Cigars all around. Beers for everybody. Cheers and peace out. [BLEEP!]

F You know, I also have something to say to that stupid bitch who thinks she knows something about Africa. What that bitch needs is an EDUCATION on the world that we live in today. She has no idea how lucky we are on this side of the freakin’ world where we have water, education, freedom. It’s the land of freakin’ opportunity where we can get anything we want any time we want. All you got to do is work for it. We have medicare and, for God’s sake, we even have welfare. Food on every corner. Try being in Africa where you have no water, no food, you’re not even allowed to grow crops and you don’t even know when people are going to come into your little village and kill everybody and make you their SEX SLAVE or fuck your mother or make you fuck your mother. So until you know something, bitch, shut the fuck up and get educated before you get smacked the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to let everybody know that I’m a Canadian citizen, born and raised, and I have eaten condoms. Thanks. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line. I’m curious why graffiti artists don’t tag people’s CARS. I mean, they tag everything else. Obviously, they don’t give a shit about anything. I’ve seen buses tagged, trains and storefronts, obviously, and back alleys completely. I get that the idea is that you want your tag to be everywhere, to get the most coverage and to travel. So why not people’s cars? That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so I just witnessed workers from the city driving down Mont-Royal avenue in their RED TRUCK and they’re cutting bike locks from around trees and taking the bikes. Not only without warning, but they’re not even leaving a note. They must have had 10 bikes in the back of the truck. When I confronted them, they said, “Well, at least we’re not taking the dog tied around the tree like we were supposed to.” The bikes all get taken a big lot. I mean, what the fuck is this all about? As if bike theft isn’t a big enough problem in this city already and now the city is stealing our bikes? Isn’t Montreal supposed to be a bike-friendly city? [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I wonder if anyone could help me find a place where you can put your old LPs on CD or DVD. Because I have something very valuable that I would like to put on CD and I tried the Internet. It’s impossible to find. I’ve been trying for three years now to find it. And I was wondering if there’s a place in Montreal where you can just give a guy 20 bucks or something and he’ll just, like, CD it for you. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I have two questions for all your readers. One is what happens after we die and the second is where does the UNIVERSE end? If no one can answer, then everyone shut the fuck up and be quiet and humble and start thinking. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is for women who experience cervical pain after ROUGH SEX with a well-endowed partner. My girlfriend has found that a sea sponge is the best way to protect from this unwanted pain. Your gynecologist might tell you to change positions, but you may find that this doesn’t help. Just wanted to increase the happiness. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t really want to sound like a HIPPIE or anything like that. I don’t have anything against hippies, but I don’t think I am one. I just want to say something really positive. And it’s sad to say that I think that has a negative connotation on it because I think it’s hippie-ish but, anyway, I still want to say something positive. Montreal is awesome. I’m walking on St-Denis right now and I’m just passing Mont-Royal and I’m looking at all the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE and you know what? Most of them are pretty happy looking. I mean, I’m just happy that I live in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

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