 |
Satanic verses
|
by CHRIS BARRY It’s always a righteous good time at the Fear and Loathing Festival, now entering its seventh year of sophisticated fun. This year’s festival, as always, promises to have more than its fair share of grossness, blood, rock ’n’ roll, and, of course, freaks stopping by to entertain the great unwashed. Two inarguable freaks appearing this year are Pastor Morgan Wilkes and Dr. Victor Marshall of Cloven Path Ministries. CPM have been called upon to spread the word of Satan—and while said word, as evidenced below, might be somewhat discombobulated at times, it’s still the word of Satan after all, hence not to be taken lightly. But are these demonic missionaries the real deal, or is devil worship just a big joke to them? You decide. Mirror: When did the Dark One first come calling you to do his work here on Earth? Pastor Morgan Wilkes: Back when I was just a youth pastor. He said to me, “Morgan, you’ve got to stop asking and start demanding.” He said, “Morgan, you’ve got to take the gospel of this Devil and spread it worldwide—and bring Devil prosperity to everybody. It’s your job to bring people closer to Satan.” M: So what will Cloven Path Ministries be doing at the Fear and Loathing festival—outside of proselytising and collecting souls for Mephistopheles? PMW: Let me correct you right away, Chris. This is today’s Devil, and today’s Devil isn’t interested in your soul. You can give that right on over to Jesus—we don’t care, because we have a plan to save your life. Let me ask you something, Chris. When was the last time your soul made you rich? When was the last time your soul got you laid? And when was the last time your soul kept you up at night, shivering in shame, feeling guilty? That’s right, you don’t really need that excess baggage of a soul, and we don’t care what you do with it. We don’t need it. What we’re doing in Montreal City, Quebec, Canada is an outreach. We’re reaching out to the fine people of Montreal City, and we’re going to be creating miracles. We’re reaching out to everybody with today’s Devil. We’re reaching out to the hip hop community, because Satan isn’t just for heavy metal kids, he’s for everyone. Today’s Devil doesn’t discriminate. Yesterday’s Devil, all he ever did was pose for record covers and inspire lyrics. But what did that ever accomplish? We’ve been granting immunity to some members of that polygamist cult in Texas, and one member who’s been staying in our Parsonage with us. She’s about due for an abortion—that’s Warren Jeffs’ baby inside of her—and we’re going to abort that thing right in Montreal City. We’re also doing wonderful things in the gay and lesbian community; I know you’ve got a lot of faggots out in Montreal. We’ll be delivering the world’s first gay baby right in Montreal City, Canada, August 31, at Fear and Loathing, praise the Devil. M: Yes, of course, all hail Satan, but… what? You’ll be delivering a baby onstage at Foufounes? PMW: The world’s first gay baby. M: Um, how does one determine a newborn’s sexual preference? PMW: I’ll be pulling it out of some fat faggot’s asshole, of course it’s going to be gay! M: Okay, lemme get this straight, so by “gay baby” you mean this will be the offspring of two homosexuals? PMW: Precisely. And then they’ll have their own evangelical prophet of Satan. Because it is written that such a prophet will be born unto lesbian or gay parents. That is virgin birth. M: I understand you’re also hosting something called a retard fight? PMW: Yes, we have retards housed at our parsonage in Toronto City, Canada, and as part of the Holy Repossession, we get them to create dolls in their own image. Once they’ve created 666 of these dolls, I lay my hands on that retard and extract the retarded deity from within them. Right now we have two retards housed at our parsonage, Benji and Maynard. They’ve been fiercely competitive making these dolls, and they actually both completed their 666th doll on the same day. So in order for them to settle the score and determine which retard I will bless and heal first, they’re going to have to fight, appealing only to their savage instincts and super-retard strength. M: Hail Satan. PMW: I will pull the retarded deity right from within them, and when I’m done, they will no longer be retarded. It will be a genuine de-retardation, and you will see this first hand at Fear and Loathing in Montreal City, Canada, on August 31st. M: Hail Satan. 
FUNKY FEATS: Circus of the Damned Tour of terrorThe following are some highlights of this year’s Fear and Loathing festival, taking place Sunday, August 31, at Foufounes Électriques. Musical acts such as Trigger Effect, Death Boat and Mad Cowboys will also participate. And remember, arriving cloaked in disguise might even win you a valuable door prize. Admission is $10. Circus of the Damned (COTD) is a circus freak show troupe from Toronto comprised of two fearless starlets, Nymphetamine and Maverick, and their master of ceremonies, OneArmBob. Broken glass, flesh hooks and a full four-point suspension are to be expected. Pain to the Face Competition. Members of the audience will be invited to participate in painful and disgusting contests involving flyswatters, wasabi, vinegar, mousetraps, and a brand new punching contest with a twist. Ultraviolent Wrestling is the F&L extreme wrestling performance by merciless Johnny Murphy and tough-as-nails Ryan Alexander. Featuring thumbtacks, chairs, ladders, neon light tubes, flaming tables, back-flips and blood. AT FOUFOUNES ÉLECTRIQUES |
