Oh-wimp-icks

by RAF KATIGBAK

Okay yes, the only thing more annoying than Montrealers bitching about how much better they are than Torontonians is Canadians bitching about how much better they are than Americans. Fine, both are true, let’s get over it and move on, right?

While Canadians like to get in a huff about how we’re more friendly, considerate, compassionate and open-minded than our southern neighbours, many Americans don’t actually give a shit (most forget we’re even up here), which is a little refreshing. Are we so insecure about our identity that we have to constantly proclaim our otherness to the world? Pretty nerdy if you ask me. Quite frankly, I don’t even think in terms of nations. When I meet someone, I don’t wonder if they’re from the U.S. or Ireland or Zimbabwe; all I want to know is: what would this person look like naked?

Even though the Canada-versus-America debate should have died long ago with Tastes-Great-versus-Less-Filling (Tastes Great wins) and Stargate-versus-Star Trek (Star Trek, duh), sometimes the differences are just so in your face it hurts. Most often it’s when I encounter a gang of thick-necked jocks roaming downtown after last call chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” and throwing pylons over construction barricades.

But lately the most glaring difference between the two countries can be summed up in two words: Olympic coverage.

First off, can I just ask you guys one question? Am I an asshole because I want the Olympics to be over? I mean, sure, I get a bit of a nationalistic boner when I hear we win a medal, but do they really need to televise every event? Sure, they want to cover sports that we have a shot at winning a medal at, but do they really expect people to watch someone jumping on a trampoline for half an hour? I guess people pay hundreds to watch Cirque De Soleil dudes in pastel leotards on a trampoline, so I suppose there’s an audience for everything, but the only way I could get through most of these sports is playing that “what would they look like naked” game, which is especially hilarious with something random, like men’s triathlon. Personally, I think they should make things more interesting and go back to the ancient Greek style of Olympics: more oiled-up bodies and butt sex and puking. I’d totally watch that.

Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, Canada-versus-America. Wait, can I just also mention how ridiculous I find it that McDonalds and Coke are the main sponsors of the Olympics? Does anyone else find it completely redunks to watch commercials with all these happy athletes stuffing artery-blocking french fries and Big Macs into their faces? It’s as ridiculous as having an alcohol company like Molson sponsor a car race… oh wait. Anyway, the only sport where it seems having a gut actually increases your skill level is bowling, but last I checked that was not an Olympic event (a travesty if you ask me).

So yeah, back to Olympic coverage. Since I’ve purposely disconnected my cable because my brain couldn’t handle another Flavor Flav reality show spin-off, all I get are NBC and CBC, both in Hi-Definition. HD is amazing when you’re watching Beijing fireworks in crystal clear slow-mo but also disturbing when you see the weird make-up on Ian Hanomansing’s face. Either way, I often like to flip back and forth to see how each network covers the same sport. A few days ago, I witnessed NBC commentators get in a huff because they used a weird complex computer formula to tie-break for gold, with the American Nastia Liukin losing out to China’s He Kexin, and then start subtly bitching about the judging. Back at the desk, the Americans were in a dumbfounded fury and Bob Costas looked like the beginning of that scene in Scanners when that guy’s head blows up. I wondered, “Would Canadians have gotten their undies so in a bunch?” Would we have reacted with such indignation at the outcome? Granted, Peter Mansbridge’s head always looks like it’s gonna explode, but I dare say we wouldn’t. Not that we’re not fighters, that when faced with a challenge we don’t rise to the occasion and overcome great odds. But geez, we are really nice.

Case in point, the spectacular final sprint by Canada’s Simon Whitfield to grab the silver in men’s triathlon. While he gave a valiant effort, he was outrun in the final stretch by Germany’s Jan Frodeno. You can see that he was content with silver, for better or worse. Whitfield gave it his all and immediately congratulated the gold medalist. Furthermore, it was all about teamwork, and when his team-mate Colin Jenkins crossed the finished line, it was as if he too won the gold. I must admit the whole moment was pretty emo and I got a tad verklempt.

Actually, maybe I’m not so eager for the Olympics to end. After all, what else would I be watching, Little Mosque on the fricken Prairie? Go for the gold, assholes!

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca