THIS WEEK: Concert-texters, cheap studio, Rats’s bass!

PLUS: We are SO the world!!

F Oh God, I just read the rant about TEXTING at shows—I was fucking doing that last week! I mean, I’ve never done it before and before I did I was standing behind this girl who was texting and I was, like, “Oh my God, can’t you just put down your cell phone?” And then my fucking boyfriend texted me! He was, like, “I’m at the ATM, where do you want to meet?” and I’m like, “I’m at the fucking show, come and find me.” Like, Jesus! Like, oh God! I’m one of those people! When did this happen? Where did it all go wrong? [BLEEP!]

F Ok, I will stop texting at shows. I’ll just loudly YELL into my cellphone while next to you to try to give my friend directions to the venue. That’s a lot better, right? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F I too was texting at a concert last week. I felt a little bit guilty then I realized it’s much better than the alternative, which is, basically, me screaming, HELLO HELLO over the music. And, just to clarify, sometimes the text messages are very important and pertinent to the show. So please appreciate the concert-texters. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I know a lot of people in bands read the Rant Line™ and I know a lot of people in bands can’t afford studios in Montreal—the minimum price is $30 an hour. But I just found this place that charges $9 an hour which is the CHEAPEST ever. You could check the website out at www.myspace.com/frankdanielmusic. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Hey ho, Rant Line™. This is Rats. My bass has been stolen. My black Squier Katana bass with all the STICKERS on it is now missing. If anybody has any information about my bass and where it might be or who might have it, please, please contact me at telecomrevolution@gmail.com. Please. Please. My heart and soul is gone. Black Squier Katana 1980-something. Pieces of wood missing from the headstock, as well as the body. Stickers all over it. The word LOBOTOMY etched into the paint. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is an answer to a girl who dissed volunteer donations to Africa. I used to think like you, but I’ve traveled and visited poor countries and they’re very CATHOLIC, so they don’t believe in abortion or condoms or killing children. All they have is each other, which we’ve lost in other parts of the world. Nobody here talks to each other in real life, but they talk on the Internet to strangers. They don’t have kids anymore, they have EXPENSIVE DOGS. In Africa they have nothing else and they don’t kill. And what’s wrong with us helping them out? Share what you have. [BLEEP!]

M To the INTOLERANT girl who spewed a tirade about Africa this week. First of all, maybe she should try taking five minutes away from her TV and try picking up a dictionary. I would suggest she start looking up words like empathy, compassion and understanding so that she can start to get an idea of why people with a so-called GOD COMPLEX are making an effort to be proactive about effecting change on a continent that’s been plagued with a multitude of problems for the past several centuries. Which, as a matter of fact, is at least two times older than her 53-year-old father. And if she was at all fearful about people thinking that she was a racist or a bigot, well, I happen to now think that she is a racist and a bigot. [BLEEP!]

F The reason why people have a lot of kids in Africa is because quantity over quality was an efficient survival means. And people ARE doing education on AIDS and family planning. When you say you don’t care about Africa, it just makes me want you to be TELEPORTED to the middle of the fucking desert with no fucking food. I hope you die. [BLEEP!]

F To the stupid cunt who thinks that bands in Montreal shouldn’t perform for children in Africa. Look, never mind that children in Canada and Montreal don’t know nothing near the hunger and the starvation that people in Africa know. Or that people have the right to do whatever they want and perform for whatever cause they want. More importantly—this is what you have to do with your time? Make telephone calls and discourage people from helping one another? UNICEF should get together and have a huge fucking rally with bands and beat you fucking bloody. [BLEEP!]

M Look, girl bitching about Africa, the world and its issues don’t exist to keep you entertained. All right? Listen to me. These are real issues, okay? Just because you’re bored of them doesn’t make them not real. And starving people can’t EAT CONDOMS. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I was just wondering if anybody can give me a heads up on where to find some good FRENCH ONION SOUP in this city. Cool. Let me know. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant about the Under Pressure festival and my apartment. I had a party at my loft and all those graffiti shitheads came through and TAGGED up my hallway. Now my landlord wants to kick me out. I have nowhere to live. I think that these graffiti fuckers should grow up and learn some goddamn respect. [BLEEP!]

M [w/American accent] Yes, this is to the low life loser who threw a BRICK through my Suburban driver’s window several weeks ago downtown and stole what he probably thought was a GPS. Well, it was just my XM radio, worth fucking zero at the pawn shop, idiot. Also, you left behind the GPS that was in the console and the camera that was in the backseat and the luggage that was in the backseat and the pile of CDs, you fucking idiot. Oh yeah and by the way, while you were breaking into my vehicle, I was fucking your women. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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