Elusive orgasm

Dear Sasha, About two years ago, my family doctor diagnosed me with anorgasmia. When I was diagnosed, I had a steady boyfriend who tried so hard to make me come, he even studied the physiology of the vagina. I tried guiding him and I was comfortable with him in bed, so we were both surprised when I still wasn’t able to come. Though I often came close, I was only aroused by oral and just when I felt it was about to happen, things became so intense my clit was irritated and we had to stop. It’s like my brain didn’t disarm that extra clitoral notch. 

Our guess was the effects of my anti-depressants—I started on Celexa (and ended with Wellbutrin, a weaker medication) a few months before we started dating, but stopped taking it a year into the relationship. My research on anti-depressants says they’re known to inhibit orgasm and libido. But I’ve always had a strong libido, it’s just the orgasm I don’t experience.

I’ve been off meds for two and half years now and still can’t orgasm. Before I went on anti-depressants I only had one other partner who I never orgasmed with. It’s hard to tell if I would’ve been able to because I wasn’t completely comfortable with my body at that point.

I’m 24 years old, a university graduate, I have sex appeal and am relaxed in bed. I was inspired to re-try my vibrator recently and I’ve never been so aroused in my life! I was about to come when my clitoris became over-stimulated and I needed to stop. It’s extremely frustrating.

I’ve also started telling my lovers that I’ve never orgasmed but realized some of them become selfish and don’t bother to try to make me come because they know it’s impossible.

Do you think it’s a combination of psychology, the wrong partner and a chemical imbalance (meds/genetic)? To top things off, I’m naturally anxious, which may have something to do with it. I made an appointment with my gyno to see if she could help me out. The GP who diagnosed me referred me to the Jewish General’s sexual dysfunction clinic to seek therapy, but it’s too expensive for the moment.

-“Inhibited” Laura

Dear Laura,

I wouldn’t be surprised if the after-effects of anti-depressants combined with your anxiety are contributing to this maddening barricade but I ain’t no doctor, so let’s try to find you one. Like anything free or subsidized, you’ll have to wait for treatment (from one to a couple of months in some cases) and one administrative coordinator told me it’s even slower in the summer, with many professionals on vacation.

Some teaching hospitals have sliding scale for those who are short of money. For example, the Royal Victoria Hospital in Montreal’s Sex and Couple Therapy (www.sexandcoupletherapy.com) department offers treatment from zero to $55 an hour and they do address anorgasmia. And since you already have an appointment to see your gyno, ask her to refer you to a gynaecological specialist who specializes in sexual function and not just reproduction.

You’ll also find resources on the Women’s Health Matters site (www.womenshealthmatters.ca/index.cfm), an initiative led by the Women’s College Hospital in Toronto. Keep your eyes peeled for issues that deal with sexual health on their Ask an Expert page and get on those discussion boards.

Sex therapist Rae Dolman also advises calling therapists to see if they offer sliding scale. When asked about books she recommends to women dealing with anorgasmia, she says though she finds it a bit over the top (I know what she means, Betty’s Bay Area sex vibe occasionally rubs this East Coast gal the wrong way too) Sex for One by Betty Dodson is a good place to start.

High anxiety is one thing that can definitely contribute to sexual dysfunction so she recommends taking the focus off of orgasm during sex. Be in the moment so that arousal is able to build, making it about the journey, not the destination. Yep, I just wrapped up this answer on a Bay Area sex vibe note. Sorry, dude, but it’s true: we all need to calm the fuck down.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM