Idioms are for idiots

by RAF KATIGBAK

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Can somebody please tell me what the hell that is supposed to mean?

I mean, I don’t think I’m stupid, but I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it for a while now. What kind of birds are we talking about? If it’s a pigeon, then hell no; those motherfuckers are flying rats. No way in hell I’m putting one of those walking bags of bird-AIDS in my hand. And does it matter what kind of bush it is? What if it’s a beautiful rose bush and it’s infested with aphids and the birds are there eating all the fucking aphids off and you try and go in there to help them but your arms are getting all cut up and gross? Then I think two birds in a bush are definitely better than one stinking pigeon in your bleeding filthy hand.

Hmmm, bird in hand, two birds in bush... maybe it’s some kind of weird sex metaphor endorsing masturbation over double penetration. I mean, I guess things can get weird up in there if you try to get two birds into one bush. You may be better off with your bird in your hand, especially if the other bird belongs to your childhood friend Jeremy and he looks at you just a little longer than you’re comfortable with as you try and fit your two Purple Parakeets in your girlfriend’s single Cage of Love.

But expressions have always kind of irked me, not because it’s just a lazy way to sound smart by dispensing pseudo age-old wisdom, but also because every time someone uses an expression, they say it in that weird patronizing sing-song way that makes me want to claw the walls and perform an emergency tracheotomy using whatever pointy object is within reach.

Of course I appreciate when some friends mix archaic turns of phrase with modern colloquial English like, “Who put a motherfuckin’ bee in her bonnet?” or when others use non-applicable idioms in the most inappropriate situations, like responding, “Well it takes one to know one!” when I tell them how my friend’s cat just died. But on the whole, these idioms are pretty idiotic.

The first time I was baffled by an expression was when, as a child, I read, “When it rains, it pours” on a container of Morton’s salt. This confused the shit out of me because I thought, “Why would you need more salt when it rains?” Okay, maybe if it’s an ice storm you could use salt to de-ice your steps, or maybe if it’s really shitty outside you can use the salt for a daylong series of tequila shooters…

And have you ever heard that term “It’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway,” as a way to describe having sex with a morbidly obese woman or an only slightly endowed man? It’s supposed to mean that it’s not very fun. But have you ever actually tried to throw a hotdog down a hallway? Shit is hilarious! Especially when you’re whipping those little suckers and you see them break apart against the wall and all the little hot dog parts go flying everywhere and you’re really really really stoned.

And what’s up with, “When the shit hits the fan”? Of course it means bad things are known to happen in that eventuality, but who the hell is shitting on a fan? I mean, maybe if it was some weird viral video spin-off like 2 Girls 1 Fan (btw, how much of a hoax is 2 Girls 1 Cup? C’mon guys, we all know real poop doesn’t look like that, it’s just some kind of chocolate softee ice cream enema, get over it). I guess a possible scenario would be if a bird flying over a fan took a dump. But why would you be using a fan outside anyway? I guess if you were in some kind of aviary, and it’s hot… So what that really means is that trouble happens when “you get shit on visiting a bird sanctuary in the summertime.”

But wait, isn’t bird shit supposed to be good luck? Can I call bullshit on that too? I mean, it may be true in certain German clubs, but last time I checked, having an animal take a D on your head was not a positive experience.

And what is this double shit standard in the animal kingdom, like stepping in dog shit on the street is bad, but if shit were falling from the sky, it’s good? What is it about the airborne fecal matter that endows it with such good fortune? Can we please get some scienticians on this ASAP?

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca