THIS WEEK: Einstein, starving children,
Magnidiots!

PLUS: Johnson Cummins ruins man’s weekend!!

M Yo, I’d like to be leaving a STUNNING REVIEW of the Dutch Oven/Ashtray Heart that was at la Sala Rossa last weekend but I missed it because Jonathan Cummins wrote the wrong date in his article. He said it was Saturday but it was Friday. This is the second or third time he’s made an error. I love you, man, and your music and your reviews but if you’re going to have a date listed, make sure it’s correct! I really wanted to see that show and I missed it. That’s it, get it right. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, my big rant for today is about Canadian bands raising money for CHILDREN in the Congo and Africa and shit. We got starving children in Montreal! They go to soup kitchens. There are starving kids in Toronto, Ottawa, all across the frickin’ country. These bands choose to play for kids in Africa. I suggest we all clean up our own backyards first. Then you deal with Africa. There are many, many charities you can give to in Montreal to make sure kids get a good frickin’ breakfast. There’s Breakfast for Learning, there’s Pops, fuck, give it to the homeless first! The government’s not going to take care of it, we have to, okay? [BLEEP!]

M Yes, good day. I’m on vacation right now and I’ve been working on some equations and out of the 48 years I’ve been on this planet, I think I’ve come up with one of EINSTEIN PROPORTIONS. It goes like this: LSD = Cosmic Conscience = Nirvana = fuck the world. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just calling because I was throwing a party over on Villeneuve and we were all out on the balcony, maybe 20 of us, and all of a sudden a guy across the street started JACKING OFF AND WAVING at us and I just wanted to know what he was watching because he was whacking it for a good 45 minutes. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the cop who harassed me last night for 15 minutes, long after it became clear that I had nothing on me and that he had no right to search me and that I was just a GOOD CITIZEN trying to live my life. I know the face of EVIL when I see it and it was in your face as I sat there and silently took your abuse for no reason. All you achieved was making me hate all cops everywhere for the rest of my life. You didn’t achieve anything other than that. Congratulations. You win that one. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, what’s up, Rant Line™? I’m a law-abiding citizen, just have a little problem with the Montreal police. As we know, they are very THIRSTY for power, and abuse that power every chance they get. Case in point: I was at my house two days ago, it was noon—the middle of the day. They showed up at my door, telling me to turn down the music. I said, “Hey, isn’t the rule 10 p.m. or 11 p.m.?” and they’re like, “Oh, that’s a myth, it’s not true.” So I said okay, show me the rule and I’ll gladly obey, I just want to know the rule for my own information. They refused to give me the rule and said if you don’t get your ID, we’re taking you to the station in HANDCUFFS. So what kind of justice is that when you can’t even listen to music in your own goddamn home at noon when it’s not even that loud?! And then be bullied by police when you just ask to get the actual rule for which you’re being targeted. What the hell? Furthermore, most police don’t even speak English, so they need to go back to school before they want to abuse their power. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I’m calling to wholeheartedly agree with buddy who called in about the whole SWARMING thing. Dude, 110 per cent behind you on that, man. People actually tried to swarm me once, it was four guys. Luckily, I know how to defend myself properly and I won. And for any and all those who are out there who might get jumped, heed my advice. Okay, I learned this from my karate teacher. Try to keep your assailants in one straight line. Run around in a circle around them if you have to. You might look like a fool doing it but, trust me, you’ll have a lot more chance of actually winning the fight because, if you keep them in a line, then, you know, buddy behind buddy can’t attack you without attacking buddy. Just try and keep them in a straight line and watch yourself. More importantly, don’t let yourself get into a situation where something like this might happen. And if you see a whole bunch of rowdy MCGILL DRUNKEN ASSHOLES, then cross the street. Maybe they might yell names at you like pussy and whatnot, but you’ll have a 20-foot head start if they start coming after you. Run, man. Don’t turn around, just run. Run until you don’t hear them. [BLEEP!]

F [A car horn going off non-stop in the background] Can you hear that? Can you hear that noise? Listen, I love living in the city, I love having a restaurant near me that helps me pay my city taxes but these freaking MAGNIDIOTS—those are the people that go to Magnum’s, those of us who live near there call them all magnidiots—they do freaking shit like blasting their horns. Man, it’s late at night. My kids are trying to sleep. What the crap is up with people? It’s our city, man, let’s all share some love and quiet, you know? Magnidiots. I feel sorry for the people on Prince-Arthur and St-Laurent, or over on Laurier. Everybody who goes to clubs, get your personality in check, man. We don’t need to know what a wanker you are. It’s Montreal, laissez-faire and cut off the freaking horns. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local muisc scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).