THIS WEEK: Suffering artists,
Karina’s, the CN Tower!

PLUS: Field guide to cougar hunting!!

F Word on the street is Robin from Judgemental came back to town. Montreal loses 10 cool points. [BLEEP!]

F Paul McCartney can suck my pussy. Not even. He’s too old. [BLEEP!]

M Just a message for the musician who was complaining that the guy who BROOMS the bar makes more money than he does. Listen, it’s because the guy who brooms the place has an actual JOB. It’s so arrogant to think that just because you’ve declared yourself an artist, we should somehow be responsible financially for you. So write some songs of worth, then we’ll talk. In the meantime, consider poverty a plus. SUFFERING is very good for art. There’s nothing worse than art from a soft, rich, whiny artist. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to that place called Karina’s on Crescent concerning their homophobic dress code and their turd-gobbling bouncers. I normally don’t go to Crescent but I thought, what the hell, I’ll check it out—I haven’t seen enough cum dumpsters or bros throwing up in alleys lately. So I went there and I got DENIED. Apparently I wasn’t dressed semi-formal enough!? I had my hoops on, I had my lady print pants. I was definitely semi-formal! Karina sucks. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the guy who wants us to stop saying that Montreal is turning into Toronto. You talk like you’ve been here for the longest time, like it’s always been lame here. Where were you 10 years ago when you had to pick what to do every fucking night because of all the options? Shows were wild then, every band used to love playing Montreal because of the crazy ambience. Punks could drink in parks and the Tam Tams were the place to get fucked on a Saturday afternoon. So, yeah, we’ve lost our laid-back spirit and, as hard as it is to admit, the SHOE just keeps getting deeper and deeper up our city’s ass. So, sorry, bud, the comparison fits. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, that guy from Toronto just proved my friggin’ point. All these Toronto people are coming to Montreal and turning it into fucking Toronto because they know damn well that TORONTO SUCKS and that’s why they come here in the first place! Now why don’t they all go back and make their own place dull and boring because Montreal did fucking party, there was tons of punks everywhere and all that shit! But, no, fucking CONSERVATIVE government comes around and everyone wants to be like Toronto and make tons of fucking cash! Fuck that! Montreal’s always been about THE BOHEMIAN PEOPLE. If there are no bohemian people in Montreal, then it is just a lame-ass place. So bring back the bohemian people and get rid of all those rich Toronto idiots that think they know everything about clubbing and partying. Because they don’t. All they know is how to look hot in their clothes, but they’re idiots at the end of the day. So fuck y’all, go back to Toronto and leave my Montreal alone. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line™. Something’s fucked up when you have all of these guys sitting on that Toronto tower thing, taking up the space of Montrealers. Everybody who says Montreal is getting more and more like Toronto, just go back home. You don’t belong here. You do not belong here. You are CN TOWER homos. Carry on. Obviously, you can’t hang with the beauty of MTL so just go back home and stop polluting my very, very, very homegrown Rant Line™ with your pretend “I’m a Montrealer” caca. Carry on, as you were. Fucking Toronto. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, it’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m having some SOY MILK and I’m listening to the new HOLD STEADY album and I’m thinking of that rant about seven or eight guys beating the shit out of one guy and it just makes me so mad. I don’t know what’s happening with people now, it’s sick. I keep thinking back to that line at the end of Network that Max Schumacher says about simple HUMAN DECENCY. I think it’s almost non-existent. If someone can show me where it is, point it out to me, because the world’s going to hell. I think this ties into the guy that told us to find a BOMB SHELTER, but you know what? We might as well blow ourselves up because this shit is making me sick. I can’t breathe. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I’d love to get an estimate on how much time I have left before the CATASTROPHE. Please give us a time and a date and even a phone number maybe. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what’s up? This is for the guy looking for COUGARS. Man, I know it’s not exactly downtown but if you can get your ass up to St-Sauveur, at a place called Les Vieilles Portes on rue Principale, it’s fucking cougar HEAVEN. I played a gig there a few weeks ago with my band and it was just wall-to-wall fucking cougars. So if you like cougars, go up to that place. They’ll take a chunk out of your ass. [BLEEP!]

M I, myself, am a former cougar hunter—I’ve upgraded to BOBCATS now—but I still know good places you can find cougars at. One is Le Dance Club in Laval, it used to be the old Lovers. Then you got Le Select on the Metropolitan East, it’s where the old Sir Wilfred Laurier high school used to be. I think Lovers is still around. Then you’ve always got Thursdays, but those are a bit raunchy cougars—go downstairs, they’re as raunchy as they get. Yeah, those are my ex-places when I used to go hunting for cougars. Later. [BLEEP!]

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