THIS WEEK: Lee Perry, Neil Young, that band that plays in the grey building!

PLUS: Tough-ass swarming punk bitches!!

M Hi. My rant is this, fuck. I’ve been spending money on being a musician for almost 20 years now. Gear, guitars, microphone stands, strings, recording devices, computers, software, drums, bass guitars, you name it. I’ve paid rent, I’ve paid fuel, fees, for vehicles and after a decade, it appears that at a $5 fucking gig, I’m worth way less than the soundman I have to pay! The big guy who BROOMS the place also gets a better pay than me. And I’m the one who wrote the songs! The drunks spend $40 on beers, where is that money going? I think it’s about time we underground musicians give the world what it deserves and stop doing it. The world doesn’t deserve any music if it has become a FREE FIXTURE. Where are the residencies at $100 a head? Why is being a crook way more valuable than being an artist? Bastards. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling about Johnson Cummins, who wrote in the July 3 edition of Punkusraucous Rex that Neil Young did heroin. Neil Young never did heroin, he was against it. Neil Young wasn’t a HARD DRUG MAN. He was a cool man. Long live rock. Keep on rockin’ in the free world! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just calling about two shows I saw at Metropolis last week. First of all, RZA and GZA absolutely tore shit up. It’s just like GZA said: If you haven’t seen RZA and GZA play the same show, it’s over, man. It’s over.” Second thing, Lee Scratch Perry and the Wailers. Why was Lee Scratch not the headliner?! Instead he opened for the Wailers, who featured some 20-something-year-old kid who’s not even BLACK filling in for Bob Marley. Meanwhile, Scratch Perry comes on to join in for the first song in the Wailers’ set, “Natural Mystic,” after absolutely tearing the place down himself. Scratch Perry, the king of dub! And what happens? His mic goes dead in his hand! The soundman cut Scratch Perry’s mic! What the fuck?! The guy’s a living legend. The kid filling in for Bob Marley, they change him every couple of years! Anyway, that’s my complaint. Jah bless. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m calling about that band that practises up in that giant GREY BUILDING on de Gaspé street below St-Viateur. I live in the area and whenever I go out and take a walk, I always end up standing around on the street listening to them. I think they’re really amazing. If they read this, they should rant back and give us their name, because they’re really cool and I’d love to track them down. All right. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the people who keep saying that Montreal is becoming like Toronto. Listen, Montreal was always boring. Toronto people came here because they thought it was fun, but it’s not, it’s very ORDINARY. So stop complaining that it’s becoming more dull and that people are not dancing at shows—people never danced at shows here. Okay? So if you came here to grab some fun, maybe you should go back to Toronto. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up, Montreal? What’s up, Rant Line™? This rant is concerning alcohol junkies who have a little bit too much testosterone. On Friday night, early Saturday morning, in front of Blue Dog and Blizzarts, seven or eight guys attacked another guy and, basically, surrounded him. They got him on the ground, started beating him, kicking him about the head and face, punching him, doing THE SWARMING THING. Now if it was a legitimate beef between one person and another person, why in the world wasn’t there a one-on-one? You see, Montreal’s going to hell in a hand-basket because there are too many of these fucking McGill pieces of shit who drink all the time and they’re real macho and it gets to be 3:30 in the morning and all their buddies are there and they’re just looking for some shit to get into. But you know what? The joke’s on them. CAMERAS all up and down the Main, homeboys. You guys are going down because I was one of the witnesses and that’s the sort of shit that I don’t really appreciate. A one-on-one fight when there’s a legitimate beef, that’s something that I do not have a problem with. But when seven or eight drunk losers, none of whom are probably from Montreal in the first place, swarm some other guy for no apparent reason and start kicking him about the head and face, that’s the sort of shit I have no problem whatsoever being a witness to the goddamned pigs! In that situation, the goddamn pigs don’t even deserve to be referred to as the goddamn pigs, because that’s what they’re there for. You know what? You’re going down, all of you. Because I know who some of you are and therefore now the police know who some of you are. So enjoy your freedom while you can, you little bitches. You little tough-ass punks. If it had’ve been a one on one thing, I’m sure that the guy that got put down would have been the victor, all right? Consider that. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you little punks. [BLEEP!]

M The best thing for anybody to do right now is to start getting ready for something really CATASTROPHIC. Find a place where you’ll be safe. Air tight is best, it won’t be long now, man. Stick your heads between your knees and kiss your asses goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M So I turn the COLD WATER KNOB all the way and I get hot water. We truly have sunk into hell. [BLEEP!]

M This is Ray and I’m just trying to figure out, where are all the COUGARS at? I just moved back to Montreal from Toronto and I’m dying to get a hold of some cougars but I can’t find any. Can someone out there let me know? [BLEEP!]

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