Lip-smackin’ crazy man

When retiring for the evening, the house secured, kid tucked in, coitus post-maritally abandoned, most couples don’t consider the whereabouts of their barbecue sauce. So, when an Appleton, Wisconsin, family heard whistling from their basement at 4:30 in the morning, they did what came naturally: the wife and child locked themselves in the bedroom and the husband grabbed his shotgun and killed the lights to the basement, at which point a question was asked.

“What are you doing?” It wasn’t the voice of some eerie spirit from beyond, though what the husband found was no less odd: a man, 35-years of age, wearing a jacket that belonged to the woman of the house, a hat belonging to the man of house and his face and body covered in the family’s barbecue sauce.

According to police, the man, Aaron Maurice, claimed he was ex-military and trying to hide from the FBI, who had discovered he’d been passing secrets to “the terrorists.” The barbecue sauce, Maurice explained, was “urban camouflage.”

Maurice was arrested on one count of burglary and freed on $100 bond. His defence attorney suggested that, “We should not jail somebody who maybe has mental health issues.”

by SCOTT SAXON