The white stuff

Christian Landen’s Stuff White People Like
goes from blog to book, irony and
weaknesses intact

by JULIET WATERS

I first found out about the blog Stuff White People Like because I wouldn’t shut up about The Wire. I’m sure the person who sent me the link to #85 The Wire, intended only the gentlest insult. I didn’t know that “for the past three years, whenever you say ‘The Wire,’ white people are required to respond by saying ‘It’s the best show on television.’” Ouch.

If you’re one of the few remaining people who have never received a link to SWPL, go now. That way, when someone gently disses you with, let’s say, #94 New Balance Shoes, you’ll be able to quickly respond with #79 Modern Furniture.

While Christian Landen’s blog has received mixed reviews, and Stuff White People Like, the recently released book, will no doubt get the same reaction, he’s hit on a painful truth. Whiteness is much more about culture than skin colour, and white people culture is all about their stuff. In other cultures, if you want to attack someone, insult their mother. You’re wasting your time in white culture because of #17 Hating Their Parents. So just pick anything on this list.

For example: #76 Bottles of Water. “Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put a glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not that simple for white people…” #2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To. “White people will often say they’re ‘spiritual’ but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus…”

#69 Mos Def. “In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to kings and princes. These were the people they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with royal families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def...”

#10 Wes Anderson Movies. “White people love Wes Anderson movies more than they love their kids. If a white guy takes a white girl to a Wes Anderson movie on their first date, and neither of them have seen it, they will immediately commence a relationship that is reflected in songs by Ryan Adams and Bright Eyes….”

#111 Portland, Oregon, which is, “essentially a Lord of the Flies scenario with white people in the Pacific Northwest instead of children in the South Pacific. In both cases, we have a situation whereby a homogenous group of people is left alone in an area with no one to keep them in check. Eventually the euphoria and self-congratulation devolves into savagery and murder.” This, I guess, is as good an explanation as any for the works of Chuck Palahniuk.

Taken, or doled out in small doses, Stuff White People Like is funny, and if nothing else a great way to gently let your friends know that they’re talking too much about their plans for #107 Natural Childbirth. “It is essential that white children are born into a complete drug-free environment. This ensures that they will have a more powerful experience when they start taking drugs in high school.”

Read as a book, however, the weaknesses of this satire become more obvious. I’m not even going to get into the whole weirdness that this is a blog written for a fictional non-white person who wants to get in good, or exploit white people. It’s ironic, and white people love #50 Irony. The whole point of SWPL is that white people have brains as shallow as sieves.

They change the stuff they like as regularly as Brita water filters (which, by the way, as white people know, replaced #76 a long time ago). Something about SWPL already feels stale, as though the big thing missing on this list of 150 things, is #151, Stuff White People Like.

Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide
to the Unique Taste of Millions by
Christian Lander, Random House,
PB, 211 PP, $16.50