THIS WEEK: Punctuality, grad night,
Little Steven, Beyoncé!

PLUS: Slow walkers rebel!!

M This is to the guy dissing on CHOM. Brother, I hear you. They do play the same songs but that is during the day. A lot of times they have different shows on at night, or during different times on different days. You got the blues show, Uncle Joe, LITTLE STEVEN on Sunday nights—that guy can throw some crazy shit out there, okay? So don’t start dissing on CHOM so bad! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Regarding the rant I left complaining about techno. To the misogynist who made me out to be a LESBIAN because I’m a female with an opinion—you’re obviously a globally unaware, uncultured, old-fashioned meathead. Whatever, dweeb. To the guy that likes Autechre, etc, I wasn’t dissing complex electronica. I’m talking about that BOOM-BOOM TECHNO that any simpleton could create. To Montreal’s techno fanatics, where is the variety or creativity? Anything different than the constant rehash of out-moded, overdone, predictable techno beat. Especially when there are so many genres, from punk rock and hip hop to traditional jazz—that you could play. Change is good and the music on the street needs to be switched around to show some individual personality. Otherwise, it’s just a plain broken record, boring and monotonous. Monoculture. Anyways, rock on. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m a displaced Montrealer living in Toronto now and I go to shows and guess what—everyone in Toronto just stands there and doesn’t dance. We’re turning into Toronto. And it sucks. [BLEEP!]

M Something’s got to change with Montreal Fringe policy. I showed up no more than one minute late for a show but the proverbial door had closed and I got screwed. I couldn’t go to the next show and, of course, there’s no refund. Listen, there is no such thing as absolute time. It’s give or take a few minutes. But I guess the theatre clock is the absolute time?? Come on. And it’s not the money, $11, I can shit that out of my ass. It’s this DRACONIAN PUNCTUALITY CODE. C’mon, people, this is Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F I know you probably won’t run this but can we all just admit that Beyoncé from the escort section has not been 19 for the past seven years? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my name is Dino and I just wanted to tell you guys that GRAD NIGHT fucking sucks. It’s the most pointless piece of shit on the face of this planet. If ever you think about not going, don’t fucking go because you’re going to sit there for three hours doing shit-all and then when you leave, you’ll be in such a bad mood, you won’t be able to enjoy the rest of your night. So fuck that. And fuck Heavy MTL too, because even though it had one of the greatest line-ups I’ve ever seen, they wouldn’t let you leave. You pay $70 or $75 to go to a show and you can’t even leave for two minutes because they want you to buy all their beer and food!? And on top of all that shit, you’ve got these guys that were telling you to stop moshing. What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re at a fucking metal show—you don’t want to be hit, sit in the back. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, people, the other day I was coming home from the fireworks and I walked through this DUST CLOUD full of toxic minerals, elements, acids. I’ve been coughing up my lungs ever since and it’s been five days. So if ever you’re walking around and you bump into that cloud, run and hide. Don’t breathe that shit. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, this is regarding the complaints about SLOW WALKING people. When I’m in a hurry, sometimes I get impatient too. But then I become a little more broad-minded. Maybe they had an operation? Or maybe they’re just relaxed, calm people. And what are you rushing for anyways? Mostly it’s to watch TV or some stupid unproductive thing. That’s the problem with this stressed world, they’re too stressed. [BLEEP!]

M Maybe in London, maybe in New York, people ZIP left and right, but you know what? We’re not a city of STRESS JUNKIES, running around no matter where we have to go. Trust me, if somebody in this city has some place to be at a specific time, they’re going to walk fast, they’re going to walk just as fast as anywhere. But if you’re on Ste-Catherine on a weekend afternoon, you ain’t going to see people walking fast. I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve got to dodge slow moving people sometimes too, but I’m not in a fucking twist about it. Jeez. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to everybody complaining about the slow walkers in Montreal. Dude, I’m 28 years old, I walk slow. Like slower than an old person. And you know what that means? That means fuck you if you don’t like it. Go back to London and go run around, get to your next fucking important meeting where you’re going to whore your soul to some marketing executive, telling him how fast you march with a stick up your ass. Dude, it’s time to learn some French terms, all right? Laissez faire. Joie de vivre. This is why we live here. I walk slow on purpose. And if anybody ever gives me a cross look about it, I’m going to start moving very fast in the punching realm and knock your teeth out all over the fucking street. How about that? [BLEEP!]

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