ATTN: Tourist

by JACK OATMON

Greetings, festival visitors! Welcome! Listen, I know what you’re up to. I know just what’s running through your noggin as you visit our not-so-fair city. Firstly, you’re slightly taken aback at how grubby the joint is, though you suppose that goes along with the swingin’, loosely civilized reputation. Secondly, you’re chomping at the proverbial bit to get in on the real gritty underbelly of this supposed Mecca of Canadian and international culture. And third, you’re wondering what the deal is with the gaping fissures in the streets and poorly delineated construction sites everywhere, into which a small child could easily plummet to their doom. We’re all still wondering about that last one too. But what we do know, and what you want to know, is how to get down and devious here in dirt-town. So sit tight for a paragraph or two.

I could tell you all about Vive la Fête at Club Soda on Thursday and Al Green at Salle Wilfrid-Pelletier on Saturday or De La Soul at Metropolis that same night and plenty of other wicked Jazz Fest stuff. But I won’t, because you’ve already seen all that shit in the pamphlet. What follows is the stuff we do when you’re not looking.

MEAN JAMS:
Megasoid’s Sixtoo

First off, it’s not Montreal if there aren’t queers, rock bands, burlesque performers, disco DJs and drag queens involved. That’s why you absolutely must pop by and witness the greasy charm of the Faggity-Ass series, now being relaunched at Playhouse on Saturday night. This edition features local legend Plastik Patrik as well as Xavier T and Sinik on the decks, while Wet Nose Hero and Swamp Sex Robots kick out the jams on the stage. Live burlesque will be provided by the Dead Dolls and the evening’s host will be Miss Velveeta Spandexxx.

Also Saturday, drop by Coda for an evening with some of the most interesting and adventurous club music producers in the entire city, Megasoid, as they blast out their unbelievable live P.A., cramming together glitchy, loose-lipped crunk from an incomprehensible aggregate of sounds and textures. They’ll be joined by posse Mofomatronix, Lunice and Blingmod. Expect mean jams and retina-blasting design.

Likewise, local gatekeepers of all things break, D&B, dubstep and otherwise will be once again uniting for an addition of Vagitron, featuring Mayday, DJ Bind, Corey K, Vadah Boy and Sarcastic. For fans of the booty and break sounds of yore, these are most definitely your dudes for comprehensive knowledge, sharp mixes and mega-heavy bass. That’s Friday night at Jupiter Room. Close by on Friday, No Commercial Value hosts a dance-off with dope local DJ Romeo Kardec and an open bar till midnight at Academy.

On Monday, bust out your unerring national pride at Peer Pressure’s Bro Canada throwdown, also at Coda, featuring their reigning triumvirate of all things hyphy, crunk, bassline, electro and retro, A-Rock, Merk Meny and Hatchmatik.

That should just about do it. Hit all that up, grab a poutine, swill a few Molson 50 big bottles and saying “ben, la!” a lot, and you’re in. And remember that your friend who told you Crescent Street is the happening spot when they came last year doesn’t know their ass from an unmarked open sewer drain, and you’re technically allowed to drink in the parks as long as you’re eating something and sitting at a bench.

LEMME KNOW IF YOU GET LOST… jack.oatmon@gmail.com