THIS WEEK: Show dancing, slow walking,
donkey punching!

PLUS: CHOM accused of playing the same 10 songs
over and over again!!

F Rant Line™, this is really important, okay? When I’m doing my job downtown, my manager puts on CHOM FM and I hate to say it but they basically play the same 10 songs over and over and over again! It doesn’t matter if I work on a Wednesday, a Saturday, a Sunday, it’s the same fucking 10 songs by Sting and AC/DC and the Rolling Stones [sings “Pleased to meet you/won’t you…something”]. Those are good songs and everything but why do you only play 10? If you’re dealing with a timeframe of the ‘60s to now, you have literally a MILLION songs that you could pick from, to play the same ones every night is completely BAFFLING. Really, I don’t know why people listen to CHOM. [BLEEP!]

M Dear Bitch: if a guy wants to dance at a show, let him dance! I’m sick and tired of you pussy-ass, punk-ass, bitch-ass people standing there watching shows not dancing and getting pissed off at people who dance and are “in their way.” It’s not a fucking HANGING, it’s a show. That’s the problem with Montreal people nowadays, they don’t want to dance. Let people dance, shut the fuck up, if you’re not going to dance, sit down, have yourself a glass of water. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I don’t know what that girl was talking about slagging techno but IDM is awesome and all the bands like Autechre and Boards of Canada and early Aphex Twin are great. It’s got great soul. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, to the girl who says the local music scene sucks and there is too much techno. When I went on vacation a month ago, all around South America, I heard all of that zombie, brain-busting, fake electronic music over there too. I think it’s called something like globalization. But what the heck do you listen to? Maybe some raging, lesbo, kd lang stuff? Drop the stick out of your ass and have a great day. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just wanted to say that I also go to the Parc Y and I think that Yellow Shorts Guy sounds like a lot more fun than someone who wants to throw a goddamn pipe wrench at someone’s head! The world would be a much better place if everyone looked like a 1970s San Francisco clone. So maybe you should get your conventional ass out of Mile-End and leave the rest of us alone. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, listen, when the pussy that you’re fucking asks your stank ass to make her a fucking MILES/COLTRANE mixtape CD, you’re best to do it or the bitch is going to find someone new. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is not so much of a rant but more a request to my friends from the apartment after-party from the Cock ‘n Bull last Thursday night. I’m the guy with the PIERCED FACE. I left a plastic bag at your place with camping flyers and, most importantly, my prescription sunglasses which were wrapped in a paper towel. I’m desperate to get them back and would love to do an exchange and stand you a pint, at the very least, for your troubles if you brought it back to the bar or mailed it to me at the address on my business card. [BLEEP!]

M In the past week, I have gone to see three movies and for each of those movies, during the whole thing, the people in my general vicinity did not SHUT UP for the entire goddamn movie. People, shut up and watch the fucking movie. [BLEEP!]

M Hey there, this is to the guy talking about people in Montreal walking slow. Slow doesn’t even begin to describe it. They CRAWL like they’re all from old people’s homes. Having lived in London where people actually walk fast, I know totally what you mean. If these people were in London, they’d get flattened. That’s because people in London know where they’re going and have lives. Montreal people are so slow, it drives me fucking crazy. They should all be run down. [BLEEP!]

M I’m not sure if you guys have skips in your brain or something because no one seems to be able to form a sentence without using the word LIKE in it. Quoting your own Rant Line™, “I felt something in my lungs, LIKE, collapse or explode or something.” You’ve also got another person here telling us about hipsters using LIKE. Everybody is using the word LIKE as a pause. If something is LIKE something, it isn’t actually that something! If something is LIKE tomorrow, it isn’t tomorrow. Maybe we should get this word LIKE out of our sentences and start dealing in the present, as the Buddhists would suggest? [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is for Donkey Punch Guy who can’t understand why his lady didn’t like being smacked in the back of the head without consent. Just because she has a TATTOOED ASSHOLE doesn’t mean she wants to be donkey punched! It probably means she likes butt sex. If she had a big tattoo on the back of her head which said “punch me without my consent,” then maybe, yeah, you can do it without asking her. Otherwise, most ladies don’t like to be whacked in the back of the head. Next time, check if physical violence turns your partner on before engaging in it. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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