The Age of Nefarious

by JACK OATMON

It was in the summer of 2004 that I managed to hornswoggle myself a gig housesitting a million-dollar townhouse in the incomprehensibly fun and beautiful alpine locale of Whistler, B.C. Suffice it to say, the owners likely weren’t bargaining that five of my pals would move in with me and defile the place. Of all the things that I adored about that property—the two-storey amphitheatre living room, the dual balconies, the Jacuzzi bathtubs, the skateboard park and lake five minutes away, the panoramic view of the mountains—perhaps my favourite was the outdoor hot tub just next door, from which we would drunkenly admire the unusually spectacular northern lights Whistler experienced that summer.

BEAT THIS: AC Slater

Now I’m a lot more of a loser and my life is nowhere near as fantastical, but one thing remains constant in my summers—watching the pretty lights in the sky and bathing in a bubbling, chlorinated oasis below. The hot tub has become a bacteria- and fecal matter-infested public pool that I have to scale a barbed fence to access after closing time (and flee frantically at any sign of authority), and the Aurora Borealis is now a flaming ball of chemicals launched from La Ronde, but it’s essentially the same experience. And that experience is just what has been missing from my nightlife adventures these past few humid weeks. But all that is about to change, as public pools are officially full of water and an exciting spectrum of contaminants from this Monday, June 23, while the International Fireworks Festival kicks off this Saturday, June 21.

The pools are full until August 19 and the fireworks are at nightfall every Saturday until August 6, meaning I’ve got almost two whole months to rack up as many pool-hopping and public drunkenness fines as my little heart desires, all the while wistfully daydreaming that I was still as clever and unscrupulous as my younger self in the acquisition of premium summer vacation properties.

Meanwhile, in other outdoor partying news, this is the weekend of the infamous St-Laurent street sale as well as the Fête St-Jean Baptiste, so prepare to stumble from club to club all weekend on the Main as crowds from both the sales and the Fringe Festival pack the streets and parks with all manner of fried sardines, neon fannypacks, nipple rings, cheap chow mein, two-bit indie rock bands, buskers, breakdancers, buttheads and boobs, all just in time for the summer solstice, which lands on Friday, June 20 this year.

And while you’re at it, keep in mind that Kiko visits Parking Nightclub for DJ Mini’s Overdose night on Thursday with a hit of euphoric minimal techno infused with moody instrumentation. Thursday’s also not a bad chance to check out Saphir for Beat Me Up, this week featuring AC Slater from NYC, Mary Hell and Axel Klein. Furthermore, horror-house French electro guy Danger goes all Norman Bates on Cherry Cola’s Big City Nights at Foufounes Électriques on Friday night, joined by kindred duo Spitzer. And the Mod Club has found a new home at Jupiter Room since being orphaned from Main Hall, and will be relaunching this Saturday night. On Sunday, live the music video at Blizzarts when Split Signal’s organizers hit you straight to your dome with tripped out VJ madness.

THE INEBRIATION CONSTELLATION… jack.oatmon@gmail.com