THIS WEEK: Weezer, The BUZZ, 420, 421!

PLUS: Stripey Shirt Guy, Yellow Shorts Guy!!

F The local music scene sucks. It’s a MAINSTREAM NIGHTMARE with an onslaught of generic techno being blasted out of every car, bar and orifice around Mont-Royal and St-Laurent and even downtown. So many ZOMBIES are listening to it relentlessly, pretending to be cool. The living brain dead should wake up and stop listening to that annoying, droning beat and listen to something that’s got some real life to it instead of the fake electronic, adrenaline-charged, repetitive crap. [BLEEP!]

M Howdy doody, Rant Line™. I’m listening to OLD WEEZER right now and really really enjoying it. But, my God, will they please stop making music? I read the Mirror review, I’m not basing it on anything like what it said, but I’m just saying, come on, Weezer, get over yourselves, you suck. And the songs they play on the stupid BUZZ suck too. I hate the BUZZ anyway, why do I keep listening to the BUZZ?! I’m so DRUNK right now. I’d rather listen to CHOM because I’m really tired of that last Weezer song. It’s making me mad. Really making me mad. I love you, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F Dear Stripey Shirt Guy, BLUEGRASS is not meant to be sensual, but if you feel the need to let your body groove, please do it behind the people trying to watch the show. Live and let live but please do it behind me. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is T-Man, also known a DJ Vitamin T. On Sunday, June 8, I was riding my bike down Duluth street around 4:20 and somebody pulled out and knocked me off my bike and split my face open. I got to spend the afternoon in the hospital getting STITCHES, having my finger operated on and the rest of my body put back together. Now we’re looking for information as to who did this. Now, a lot of people saw it, it was the corner of Duluth and St-Laurent. This car pulled out, knocked me off my bike, spilled me into the street, split my face open, two people were calling 911, ambulances were on their way, security was there, everybody was looking to help out and this car PEELED out and took off. The cops are looking for him and I’m looking for him so, by all means, send me an e-mail at DJvitamint@yahoo.com because this city doesn’t stand for this shit. [BLEEP!]

M So today I light up a joint and I take a hit off it and I feel something in my LUNGS, like, collapse or explode or something and as I’m sitting there in pain, I decide that it’s time to end the relationship with the weed. It’s fucking done! Doneski. I’m thinking of the whole 420 thing and I was picturing a clock flipping to 421 and I was, like, you know what? That’s the perfect little reminder. And I had a couple hundred bucks in my pocket, I was, like, “I’m going to go get 421 tattooed on my hip right above where the little WEED POCKET is in your jeans, you know? Just like super small, written in pen, no big deal. So I go down to the tattoo place, corner of St-Laurent and Ste-Catherine, walk in, yeah, no problem $50. The guy sets me up, fucking gets down there, starts doing his thing and it’s taking longer than I imagine it should be and so I look down and this guy has messed it up so bad, lines all over the place, the fucking “1” is twice the height of the “2”. Dude, I just wanted it to look like a fucking pen wrote it! Like, five seconds, you know what I mean? This guy starts going, “You move like a fish.” Anyway, maybe it’s good that I got this shitty tattoo because maybe I really will quit smoking weed and not turn out to be a fucking shitty tattoo artist. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say it sucks because, like, I go out with all of my friends and there are six of us and I’m the only one who doesn’t SMOKE and they’re always, like, outside smoking cigarettes and don’t even ask me and I’m the one watching all the drinks, sitting by myself, it sucks. I have nothing against smokers but I wish they could all smoke in the bar and be over with. [BLEEP!]

M I have a problem. See, I just joined the Parc Y on St-Viateur and there’s this HIPSTER who comes in—you know who I’m talking about—the one with the little itty bitty YELLOW SHORTS and the little itty bitty yellow t-shirt. You know, life is not an American Apparel ad! This is the real fucking world!! If I see you one more time in my fucking Y wearing shorts with the balls hanging out, I swear to God I’m going to throw a goddamn pipe wrench at your head! Now besides the fact that he’s wearing these little itty bitty fucking shorts, the guy’s got one of these really, really ridiculous hipster MOUSTACHES. The ones that only cops, gay men and ’70s porn stars should ever be able to get away with wearing. All you hipsters, walking around town thinking that you’re kitsch with your ridiculous looking moustaches. In five years, you’re going to look back at the pictures of yourself and go, wow, I had a cum-scrubber above my lip. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line™, all I have to say is I’m tired of these fucking people downtown walking like they have nowhere to go. I hate SLOW WALKING people. Sometimes I just want to PUNCH them in the back of the head. I mean, here is a rule for thought: walk the way you drive. You walk on the right side, just the way we drive on the right side. A’ight? A’ight. Easy. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the guy who likes donkey punch. You could donkey punch me any time you want. [BLEEP!]

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Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).