Dealing with Canadians

by RAF KATIGBAK

Organizers of the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympic Games in August and Paralympic Games have recalled a 200-page training manual for volunteers and issued an apology for inappropriate language in the document used to describe disabled people.

For the optically disabled, the manual advises volunteers to “try not to use the word ‘blind’ when you meet for the first time.”

It also describes the physically disabled as having “unusual personalities because of disfigurement” and says they “can be stubborn and controlling.”—CBC News

SECTION 3.5B—how to Deal with Canadians

When volunteering for the Olympic Games, there is a very good chance you will be coming across Canadians. These people require special care, as they are very sensitive and easily “spooked.” Special care must be given and it is for this reason we have assembled a special section to help you properly deal with these strange people.

Recognizing a Canadian: The first step in dealing with a Canadian is identifying one. Even though it is often very difficult to tell most white people apart since they all have round eyes and smell like milk, once you know the signs, it is quite easy to spot a Canadian.

Their flag: Even though they do not like to consider themselves nationalistic, when Canadians leave their country they have a compulsion to sew their flag onto their backpacks, jackets or hats (pronounced: toooks). This is not necessarily because they are proud of their country, but mostly that they don’t want to be mistaken for Americans. They feel that their flag is a magical talisman that will save them from being scammed or stabbed. Feel free to scam or stab them, they are trusting and gullible. Familiarize yourself with the Canadian flag. It looks like our glorious Chinese flag except with weird white patches and no yellow pointy thingy in the corner. If the red leaf in the centre of the flag is green and spikier, that means that the person you are talking to is from a place called Vancouver and that they smoke illegal drugs.

Browns are Canadian too! If you see a Canadian flag on the bag or jacket of a non-white person, don’t be surprised; they are also Canadian! Or maybe they’re just an American who doesn’t want to be stabbed. In any case, keep in mind: Canadians not only come in all shapes and sizes (although never as wide as Americans), they also come in different colours! In fact, Canadians love to talk about how their country is a “cultural mosaic.” Which is just another way to say they like to keep their races nice and separate.

Conversation: So you’ve found a Canadian. Congratulations! You will soon see they are nothing to be afraid of. Sure they do things like “hang aboot the hoose,” but they are quite friendly. Actually, they are so friendly it’s a little annoying. They’re programmed to get along. You can test this by giving them a slap. See? All they did is smile sheepishly and say “Woops! I think my face just ran into your palm. I’m so sorry!”

Safe Topics

Weather: Even though they complain about it all the time Canadians love to talk about the weather. It’s one of those defining things they love to hate to talk about, like maple syrup, or riding their polar bears to their igloo farms.

Sports: According to our cultural researchers, the favourite sport in Canada is called “Hackey.” Which according to our research consists of two or more people trying to keep a footbag off the ground by any means necessary besides using the palms of his/her hands. Passing the sack is always appreciated in contrast to hording it (being a sack hog).

Preliminary research suggested that their national sport consisted of grown men putting metal blades on their feet and using sticks to push a black piece of plastic around as they glide on ice, which was obviously too ridiculous to be true.

Topics to Avoid

Race: Never point out race to Canadians because they’ll look at you like they don’t know what you’re talking about. They’ve been so inundated by political correctness that if they ask where the ATM is and you say, “Oh it’s just over there, next to the black dude with the orange cap,” they’ll respond indignantly, “Oh I’m sorry, I don’t see colour.”

Canadians are not Americans: It is very important that you do not mistake a Canadian for an American. Even though they are culturally and economically dependent on the U.S., Canadians spend hours explaining how different the two countries are, then go home and watch American satellite TV, listen to rap music and eat Happy Meals.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca