THIS WEEK: Shrieking dog, donkey punch,
the pouting French!

PLUS: Woman sold x-large Avril Lavigne
shirt instead of a medium!!

M I think one of the DJs at Bourbon Street West has lost his mind. We were there last week, there’s hardly anybody in this place. We’re all wearing HATS. He’s playing this bogus techno remix of Jay-Z’s “Dirt Off Your Shoulder.” Then one of the patrons asks for the original mix and the DJ loses it—he cuts the music and says, “Excuse me, excuse me, attention, everybody, attention, everybody, we aren’t allowed to wear no fucking hats! And I’m going to spin whatever music I want to spin because I have a system…” DJ, you’re there to spin the music people want to hear. If you have any skills then you would use that system to BUMP MUSIC but, no, you go crazy and say, “Guys, now we’re going to be having a couple of minutes of silence.” But the only reason there was minutes of silence, Mr. DJ, is because your reputation just died. I won’t be seeing you next week. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I met Tracy the bootleg t-shirt seller at an Avril Lavigne concert. I’ll never forget what that REDHEAD looked like. She ripped me off too. She told me that the t-shirts were size medium and when I got home, it was an extra large. I got it for my daughter. They should be stopped. Tracy and Brian. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. It’s Alex Julien, the guy who goes to shows in his underwear, calling back about the whole Merlin thing. I was thinking that Jonathan Cummins looks a lot like Merlin. You know the band Bionic? He kind of looks like Merlin. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I was just reading how muggers are targetting all you CLONES wearing iPods and one teenager is like, “Oh, I’m not going to ride the metro again because somebody tried robbing me for my iPod.” Well, I have a couple of words of advice for you idiots. One, stop wearing those fucking white headphones and you won’t give away that you have a fucking iPod. Two, stop flashing it around, like I see so many of these STUPID TEENAGERS do. You are only one of the millions who have them. It’s not a status symbol. Nobody gives a shit that you have one anymore so you don’t need to flash it around. Swallow your pride, hide your shit and you’ll be okay. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I have cable and I watch TV on a daily basis. I would like to know why it is that whenever I watch a program or a movie that is filmed or taped in France, the people all POUT when they talk. It’s as if they’re afraid to open their mouths. Does anybody know? [BLEEP!]

F This is for the 38-year-old men who keep on talking about what big pot smokers they are and arguing over whether it is called GREEN or not. You’re 30-fucking-8 years old, you’ve been smoking since you were 18, get off the pot! Pot is green. Sometimes it’s called green. It’s time to stop smoking, you 38-year-old bastards! Stop smoking! Oh, and this is also to the DD ladies out there. You should be appreciated that your DD’s are real because I’m a DD as well but I work at a club and I dance and it’s like a SILICONE JUNGLE in there. And men are drawn to it like freakin’ flies on shit, you know? If you don’t have tits, live with it. Like your ass or like your stomach—don’t go and put silicone in them and ruin it for all the people who have it for real. It’s not my fault that you have bad genes or whatever. God. So anyway, I like REAL TITS and it’s called HERB. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just want to add to all this talk about boobies in the summertime in Montreal. I know there’s going to be someone out there who’s offended and I understand you don’t want to be referred to in that way and grown men shouldn’t be referring to your bodies in such a juvenile manner, but really, what we’re trying to say is we appreciate the beauty that is in this city. The women are the most beautiful women in the country, from age 18 all the way up to, like, 56. The women are just incredibly beautiful. So I personally want to thank you for being and for making every day worth getting up for. Thank you, ladies. [BLEEP!]

M To all the chicks with big tits, in case you are unaware, health care provides breast reductions for people with related back problems. [BLEEP!]

M Can anybody in Montreal explain that crazy SHRIEKING noise that sounds like a dog getting hit by a car that happens about 20 times a day, at least, around St-Mathieu and Tupper? It’s like some kind of weird experiment or something? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I don’t care if I made this up so why should you? Overheard conversation between a French girl and an English girl. French girl: See that guy over there? I think he is gay. English girl: Really? How come? French girl: I just offered to give him a blowjob in the alley here and he said no. English girl: Well, maybe he doesn’t like casual sex? French girl: What means casual sex? [BLEEP!]

M Look, I don’t know what’s the problem. Is it just me? The other day, a lady friend and I were engaged in some sexual intercourse when I decided to deliver a DONKEY PUNCH, you know, because it’s my dig. And she flips out at me, she’s pissed all to hell, what is this? The way I see it, if a girl has a tattooed asshole, she should be down for these types of things. It’s my right as a citizen of this great country to have freaky sex acts any fucking time I want because it feels good, yo. [BLEEP!]

M I just thought of something for all the environmentalists out there. The world’s most ACCURSED non-recyclable item is the shoe. Can anybody beat that? [BLEEP!]

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