THIS WEEK: Paul Rodgers, Lawrence Durrell, green!

PLUS: Size DD big ones!!

M I’d like to know where the good PUNK shows are here in Montreal? It just seems Montreal is lacking a lot of punk these days. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is to the person who was talking about Paul Rodgers being in QUEEN and how he shouldn’t be in Queen and how Queen are dead. Well, I just wanted to tell you, I happen to have a copy of the live album they released with Paul Rodgers, Return of the Champions, and Paul Rodgers does quite a good job singing the old Queen songs! They also throw in some Free and Bad Company songs! So maybe you shouldn’t judge something before you actually hear it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is in response to the Merlin rant. My name is Matt. I work with that UNDERWEAR GENTLEMAN, Alex Julien. I composed a little poem for our friend, Merlin. Merlin, oh Merlin/You left this huge magical scar on the workplace/Your presence is not forgotten/When will you come back to make us smile, cheer and believe in your memory/You’ve cast a spell on our hearts/The wall where you once stood is now lifeless with you gone/Oh Merlin, come back/Where’s the love? [BLEEP!]

M Regarding Merlin and the eternal metaphor for disparaged and disrespected hippies from days long gone by. I’d like to leave a quote for you. It’s from LAWRENCE DURRELL, eminent writer from the 1930s. It is, “The meaning of meaninglessness is the code of the Grail. As Merlin divined it, it never can fail.” Cheers big ears. [BLEEP!]

M I’m 32 years old. I’ve been smoking cannabis every day of my life for 15 years, since I was 17. Not once have I or any of the other pot smokers that I met throughout my life, never have we referred to marijuana as GREEN. I’m leaving this rant because I’m very sure that most of you have seen the new commercials saying “Your kids are starting to learn a new language.” The drug prevention commercial. And at the very end, it says, contact this Web site or call this number to get a booklet from the government of Canada to learn about how to talk to your kids about drugs. If you need a book from any government, much less the motherfucking Harper fucking government, to tell you how to talk to your kids about drugs, then you should not have had kids in the first place. Green. Give me a break. [BLEEP!]

M This is regarding the FOUNTAINS at Place des Arts. It was bad enough that last year the main one was painted a crappy lime green. This year they decided to make it look like a pool of BLOOD, they painted it brick red. And the other one, with the cascading falls, they painted concrete grey, as opposed to what it should be, turquoise, which would have been much more classy. I mean, this is Place des Arts and it looks like a house of horrors. And not whores, I said horrors. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, sweetcakes. It’s me. You remember me, right? Anyways, I’m in B.C. right now and I’m tree planting—I never thought I’d actually ever get around to doing this, you know, but I am and it feels so fucking awesome. And I’m in VANDERHOOF, we had a day off, we raised the roof and it was awesome. I was tanked. It was vodka/beer night and I just want to say B.C. rocks, man! And this is not a rant, this is just a shout out to my people, Mimi, Vero, the whole crew. You all know who we are and how we roll and I love you guys, but I’m not missing you that much. It’s only been 20 days but I love ya. And life is precious, enjoy it and you better print this, bitch, because it’s costing me minutes. All right, bitch. [BLEEP!]

F I’d like to know whatever happened with MANNERS? Nobody says “please” or “thank you” anymore. And, oh my God, I only know three people who say “may I” and it’s me and two people I’m related to. Like, fuck, nobody says “may I.” “May I please have something?” Fuck. I’m really disgusted. Nobody minds their p’s and q’s. If everybody had a good AUNTIE, the world might be a better place. [BLEEP!]

F Hi there. I’m calling about the person who ranted about Montreal chicks with big boobs and how they’re AWESOME. Speaking as a chick with big boobs, they’re not awesome, they suck. Why don’t you try walking around the city with SIZE DD BIG ONES and see how you like it? Everybody stares at you, you don’t get a moment of peace. Everybody thinks you’re hitting on them because you have big boobs, basically. And do you know what it’s like to have to shop around every-friggin’-where to try to find a BRA that fits you properly? Like, I have to go to the Bay and spend at least $100 and I have to wash it every night because I can’t afford that many bras. And I have back problems! You need to get away from your obsessive compulsive desire to suck your mother’s tits and try to, you know, be an ass man or something because this is not a good life! Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Good afternoon, Rant Line™. This is me, the guy who left the rant about the empanadas and the Provigo and the employees looking at me like I’m an idiot because I get them every day. Well, thanks to the Rant Line, I no longer get judged. Every time I buy empanadas now, they don’t even look me in my face. I guess that is the power of the Rant Line™. THE WORD got out, probably someone read it at the Provigo and was, like, “Hey, that guy, he’s onto us, uh oh.” I just want to say thank you, Rant Line™, once again. You’re doing a GREAT JOB. [BLEEP!]

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