No kart

by ERIK LEIJON

Let’s face reality—the Mario Kart series has been on a steady decline since the original Mario Bros. racing spinoff first graced the SNES in all its mode seven glory. Mario Kart Wii (Wii/Nintendo, EAD)—down to the intentionally simplistic box art—is the horrific nadir of a once great series that has now disappointed more than it has electrified. Consider it the Weezer of gaming.

Mario Kart Wii is an unmitigated disaster in every sense of the word: a dreary mix of ugly graphics, dumbed down interface and controls, an unnecessary mangling of time-honoured game modes and the most damning offence—a ridiculous chunk of plastic masquerading as technical innovation. Thank goodness the other major Nintendo franchises have made successful transitions to the Wii, because Mario Kart is a head-on collision of horridness.

Understand that I take no joy, or schadenfreude, in completely eviscerating this once mighty pillar. The original Super Mario Kart and its commendable N64 sequel will forever be lauded for introducing multiplayer battles and driving/item multitasking gameplay.

STALLED: Mario Kart Wii

Before attacking the questionable decision to perform unnecessary surgery on Kart’s most cherished features, the whole steering wheel mess must be addressed. Using the Wii remote as a tilting steering wheel worked to decent effect in Excite Truck, but Mario Kart Wii switches things up with the inclusion of a plastic add-on that transforms said remote into a veritable floating steering wheel.

Instead of being sensitive and intuitive, the controls merely annoy with easily rectifiable problems. For example, when driving at top speed, try making a hard, fast turn with the remote. The sensor won’t recognize your action, and your driver will turn in the opposite direction (only picking up on your final resting position).

As anyone who drives can attest, turning a steering wheel 10 degrees in either direction won’t result in much, but here it’s the only option. Moving the steering wheel more than 45 degrees in either direction doesn’t result in harder or faster turns, so every turn feels identical and eliminates any need to work on one’s skills. Not holding the wheel perfectly upright at all times will mess with the calibration too easily.

Drifting, even with manual controls, causes the driver to powerslide at the same angle every time with a simple button push. The grand prix’s contain so many idiot-proof weapons designed to attack the frontrunner, running in first place will result in you getting hit over and over again with unavoidable weapons. There also seem to be only two levels of collision detection, meaning a slight grazing against an object will have a similar effect to a near head-on crash.

Mario Kart finally introduces online racing, and the chance to post your best times for the world to see. Online battle mode should have been reason alone to persevere through the game’s litany of problems, but even the simple, perfect battle mode could not be left unscathed.

Instead of four drivers playing last man standing with three life balloons attached to their cars, battle mode must be played in teams. And, instead of the three lives rule, there’s a time limit and unlimited kills.

New battle mode is decent and the multiplayer stages (and the regular tracks) are wildly inventive and worthy of a better game, but there’s simply no logical reason why Nintendo couldn’t include old and new battle mode options.

There are so many blemishes associated with Mario Kart Wii, I’m considering setting up shop this summer in front of McGill University’s main entrance with a bullhorn to vent my frustration in public.