THIS WEEK: Dope shows, chemical drugs,
butcher knives!

PLUS: Howard the big-backed girl in Jamaica!!

M I would just like to express my discontent with the hip hop Best of Montreal results. A bunch of not even hip hop and hybrid acts winning the top, when you have acts like D-Shade and Magnum 357 getting nothing. All these WEST ISLAND KIDS stacking the votes winning. I would like to see next year REAL HIP HOP on the Best of Montreal. No BS. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is for Café Chaos, quite possibly the most unorganized venue in Montreal. It is not good to double book bands on the same day and then call the artist at the last possible second to tell them that their show has been cancelled! [BLEEP!]

F Rant Line™, I’m just checking out the schedule for the Montreal Jazz Festival and I couldn’t help but notice that at Metropolis there are all these DOPE SHOWS in one week. I mean, that’s awesome, but I know they’re more than $20 each at least and how am I going to go to all these shows? You got De La Soul and Ghislain Poirier on a double bill. You have Public Enemy then you have Ladytron, then the RZA and the GZA. Then on Saturday you have Lee Scratch Perry and the Wailers, another double bill. How am I going to go to all these shows? I can’t afford this!? If anyone is going to any of these shows and wants a nice FUN GIRL to go with them, then they should get in touch with me. Send an e-mail to cheesegirl@gmail.com. I love cheese, that’s why. All right, cool, yeah, so if anyone wants to take me, I’ll go. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, what would you do if your friend Ben was going to call you in less than minutes when he got off of work to convince you it’d be fun to go to Green Room to see Death Set? Do you a) not answer the phone and watch the under-appreciated Bill Murray classic What About Bob? while binging on Party Mix and Super Nibs? b) wait for the call and quickly wash your ARMPITS to the sound of the teen house party next door and then go see Death Set even though you don’t even know what Death Set is? Or 3) leave Ben a post-it on your door saying that you’re at the high-school rager upstairs and forget about Death Set because it’s time to teen rage? Maybe I should just stay home and make noise complaints every 15 minutes?? Anyway, teen ragers rule. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say that the reason I wear sunglasses at night in the buses and metros is to stare at HIGH PEOPLE without them knowing. Yeah. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. First time caller. I want to bitch and complain about these little PUNK BASTARDS who went up and down Sherbrooke West around Cosmos, throwing up their illegible bullshit tags all over people’s windows and storefronts. Listen, if you want to try that shit, try it around 5 o’clock. This tight-knit community doesn’t stand for that shit. There’ll be a CRUCIFIXION in NDG, you try that crap again. Don’t be pushing over people’s planters, don’t be ruining people’s shit, we will destroy you. This is the part of the Rant Line™ where I’m supposed to say peace out—this isn’t peace, this is war, bitch. Try it again. [BLEEP!]

F Rant Line™, yo. I stepped outside of Blue Dog and Blizzarts at around three o’clock in the morning and there were all these crazy ambulances, cops, paramedics, flashing lights, and I’m just stoned, man, I was just smoking some weed and I’m like, what the fuck? I’m getting knots in my stomach because the lights are so intense. I’ve never seen this in all my years of partying. And then I see there were three guys laying on the ground, on the sidewalk and they’re all just like passed out. One dude was going into SEIZURES. Ambulances and cops everywhere. The only thing that comes close to it is the SWAT team going to the Guvernment and the Koolhaus in Toronto about five years ago. That was fucked up. But this one, I think it’s even more fucked up. I don’t like to assume what happened, but I guess they were probably doing some kind of CHEMICAL DRUGS? Let this just be a message to everyone: don’t do any chemical drugs and if you are going to do them, buy them from someone that you know or trust. Don’t buy them from some sketchy fucking people who cut them with fucking Ajax or bleach or who knows what. Montreal, be careful what you put into your body. Smoke weed, it’s a lot safer. Smoke weed. All right. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, so I was coming back home on the orange line at 11 p.m. and there’s this guy on the metro who pulls out three HUGE KNIVES from his bag and starts fixing them and cleaning them up. And me and this other guy sitting in front of me, we looked at each other like, our time was up. Gigantic knives? What the hell was he thinking?! And then he finished and just put them back inside the bag. Look, I don’t care if he’s going to BUTCHER SCHOOL or bakery school, but please don’t pull out big huge knives on the metro! Oh my God. [BLEEP!]

M Just a shout-out to Howard—I don’t know if they get the paper, the Mirror, down there in Jamaica?—but me and my boy went down to Jamaica, we met this sexy girl named Howard. I know it’s a strong name for a woman, but that’s one strong woman! Howard, shout out, man! I love your hair. I love your strong muscles, your BIG BACK. By the way, Pops misses you. Holler! [BLEEP!]

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