Dear Sasha, I’m a 26-year-old single guy who was born and raised in a quirky little Christian cult that views dating as almost equivalent to being engaged. This means teenagers are not allowed to date unless they’re serious about getting married, plus you can only marry within the group. It also forbids premarital sex so a lot of my friends got married young and are now either divorced or stuck in miserable marriages.
I took the religion seriously, but didn’t want to get married and illicit masturbation took care of the physical side of things, so I stayed single and had none of the formative experiences that high school and CEGEP would normally provide. I woke up and got myself out of the cult about 10 months ago and I think it’s about damn time I got a girlfriend.
My problem now is that, since I’ve got absolutely zero experience with the opposite sex, I have no idea how to go about asking a girl out. I tried an online dating site but it seemed like a waste of money and I’d rather see someone face to face than chat online. I’m not much of a bar-hopper or a clubber (more into arts and the outdoors) and I’d love to find out where to meet women and, following that, how to ask someone out. On a side note, there are a lot of cute, flirty girls who are regular customers at the place where I work but I don’t know if that would be weird or something.
-Eager to Learn
Dear Eager,
A couple of things confuse me: if you took the religion so seriously, why so glib about the illicit masturbation? And 10 months after a quarter century of Christian doctrine suddenly you’re Mr. Flip, calling your religion by a more denigrating label, a cult? If I was a prospect, I’d be worried that maybe you’re in a bit of denial that might come back and bite us both in the ass. (By the way, your letter reminds me of an awesome story in the most recent Paris Review called “Keep It Bible” by Ryan McIlvain. You can read a portion of it here: www.theparisreview.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5836 and purchase the entire issue if you’re interested, which I would encourage you to do—there is little that arty chicks dig more than a well-thumbed literary magazine peeping out of a dude’s knapsack).
One of the things your friends avoided by getting hitched right out of the gate was the standard expense of courtship. No doubt litters of screeching babies are eating up those deserted funds but you, heathen, will have to face the fact that dating requires resources—whether you’re buying someone a drink or using one of your points to send them a note online. Speaking of which, while you were thumping a Bible (and your dick), the Internet became a very interesting and practical place to hook up.
Your story is intriguing; the small details you’ve shared here make good profile teasers and it’s a great place for you to practise flirting. Don’t give up so quickly because you’ve had to spend a little money with no results yet. I also believe it’s okay to date people you meet through work with the understanding that you may provoke an uncomfortable atmosphere.
Dear Sasha, I am a 44-year-old male considering hiring a male escort for some fun. Would a 23-year-old be considered too young for me? Is it silly of me to think it’s wrong because he’s young enough to be my son? Am I just being naive here?
—John?
Dear John,
Too young? Pish, pish. Why would you hire a willing professional if not to taste the forbidden and often unavailable? I’d have a naked 20-year-old tied to my bed every Thursday if I had the money.
I think what you are really asking is, “Would this escort think I was pitiful and old and treat me with the subtle contempt that makes my boner elusive?” Who’s to say what’s going on in the kid’s mind? All you can really do, and thanks to the wonder of Internet communication you can, is make sure he is qualified and enthusiastic. And just a tip, 23 usually means 28 to 30. Real 23-year-olds say they’re 19.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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