THIS WEEK: Empanadas, Amarillo, commando!

PLUS: Merlin the Magician!!

F So, hi Montreal. I was just wondering if you guys heard about a Christian rock band named Starfield? They had a show in a church in B.C. and the church floor collapsed, leaving 1,000 CHRISTIAN TEENS in danger. What an accurate reminder of how bad an idea it is to make a Christian rock band called Starfield. Anyways, this is Dirty Z and I’m out. [BLEEP!]

M A funny thing happened at work the other day. My name is Alex Julien. I’m the one that goes to shows in my UNDERWEAR. I call in once a year. I got a good story. This guy at work, he’s a bit WEIRD. He brings in a drawing of Merlin the Magician and he wants to sell it for two bucks. So we’re, like, no one wants to buy that, no one likes Merlin. So he breaks into a fit and destroys the Merlin here at work, and then he goes on a rampage and punches walls and now he’s fired. So there. The hell with this guy Merlin, man, people should listen to the band BIONIC. They’re amazing. [BLEEP!]

M Just want to say congratulations. Couleur Jazz has a new Saturday morning DJ and I’m grooving this morning, man. [puts phone to radio, Ella Fitzgerald is playing] This is almost as good as listening to disco in the morning! Anyway, here’s hoping they keep this Saturday morning DJ at Couleur Jazz. A real DJ! Oh my God, fuck! It’s been going for the last fucking 45 minutes, man, I just can’t eat breakfast! I can’t stop, I can’t stop BOPPING, baby. [BLEEP!]

M I guess it stops at 10 because they’ve got this stuff on now. [puts phone to radio, lite jazz is playing] They went from Ella to this. I mean, come on. “Swing, swing, swing, everybody’s got to sing” and then we got this. Oy. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a REAL SKINHEAD calling. This is for each and every spoiled suburban rich brat that defiles the skinhead name and way of life by using it to be SHARP or RASH. Did any of you morons actually study history? Communism was infinitely more extreme and hideous. Stalin wiped out 10 million of his own people. I dare you fucks to visit Russia today. You’ll be dead in minutes. Do us all a favour and fuck off to commie China, you little bastards. [BLEEP!]

M Hi there. I’m phoning on behalf of my friend, Rachel. She works in AMARILLO, Texas. Her parents are visiting Canada this summer but they’re not bringing her along and she really wants to see our country. Just showing some support, asking for your support too. Just holler back. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is in response to the NIGHT SHIFT GUY who’s sick of people looking at him in the morning like he’s homeless. I hear you, man. I work night shifts and it’s shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? This is just to extrapolate on the gentleman who left a rant about working on the night shift and people looking at him like he’s a BUM. Well, you know, I have a similar story. Every day for lunch, I go get two Mexican EMPANADAS at the Provigo right next to my house and every single day, the goddamn employees look at me like I’m some kind of idiot because I like to eat the same thing every day for lunch. Whatever happened to simple and plain monotony?! I mean, for Pete’s sake, they’re $4.58 for two empanadas, I’m a student, I live alone. I’m not a rich brat whose parents pay anything. So next time you look at me like I’m an idiot, remember, while you’re working your little job at Provigo for $8.50, I’m working to be a lawyer. By the time I’m your age, I’ll be making 150K. Thank you, Rant Line™ and have a great day. [BLEEP!]

M You know when you smoke a shit ton of weed and take the bus or the metro, you feel like everyone’s looking at you and you’re high as fuck? Well, that’s why people wear sunglasses in the metro station and the bus at night. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M It’s 5 a.m. in the morning which I guess technically makes it Sunday. I’m walking home right now from Mile-End to NDG and there are a lot of DRUNK PEOPLE. I’m standing in front of McGill right now, and it got me to thinking. People talk a lot about how Quebec has to put more money into education—I think we need to invest it in AA. [BLEEP!]

M [much yelling in background] We think that Montreal chicks with big boobs are awesome. Boobs! Boobs are the greatest thing on this side of the EQUATOR. Boob. I love boob. Boob. Summer is the best place to be in Montreal. I love boob. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is in response to the sweetest ass ever dude. Fine, I understand you just saw yourself a nice, cute bum. That’s awesome, great for you. I just wanted to bring something to people’s attention. I used to be on the streets, way back when in the day, and I’ll tell you, when you’re PANHANDLING and you’re sitting on the street, that’s when you see the sweetest asses ever—because you’re right at the perfect level. You’re sitting and your head is slightly below their knee, which means it’s as if the girl was going up the stairs every fucking time she passes you! And the girls go outside with short shorts and thongs and COMMANDO too, and that’s when you’re seeing the sweetest ass, my friend. But you wouldn’t know anything about that. Bye. [BLEEP!]

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