THIS WEEK: Hot teen raver sweat,
30-inch platforms!

PLUS: Two guys smoking weed impressed
by girl walking by!!

M Yo, yo, what’s up? I’m calling about this bitch punk fool blaming hip hop kids for the Habs riot. Yo, punk, all those kids were still at the show so it had nothing to do with Wu-Tang, yo. Just a bunch of punks trying to get some goddamn free clothing. One SHOE. Motherfuckers running off with one shoe. [BLEEP!]

F This is just to clear the air about the guy who said the riot was caused by hip hoppers wanting to steal new basketball sneakers. When we all got out of the Wu-Tang show at around a quarter to 12, the hockey game was long over. The riot had nothing to do with the hip hoppers, okay? Montreal has a history of riots, get your fucking city straight. It just sounded like ignorant racist shit that you said—maybe not racist, but discriminatory. Hip hoppers are people too, all right? Shit. And P.S. FUCK THE HABS. I was right up front at the show, Raekwon was trying to get into some spiel, it was the highlight of the show, okay? And four douchebags next to me start screaming GO HABS GO right in middle of the speech! I know your hockey’s important, but it did not give Wu-Tang a good impression of Canada—they don’t care about white people skating around on ice, okay?! They are too real for the debauchery that was caused by the Montreal fans that night. All right, so, come back, Wu-Tang. Just come back and do it up for the real heads. [BLEEP!]

F Man, who was that freak at Saphir last Friday? So freakishly tall, wearing 30-INCH PLATFORMS and bald and creeping up behind women, like, oh my God, if he came up to me, I would have punched him in his face. [BLEEP!]

F So I ended up at Blue Dog last night, by accident, which wasn’t my initial plan because Cobra Snake’s going to be there and I didn’t want to drown in HOT TEEN RAVER sweat. Anyway, I don’t even know if Cobra Snake was there—maybe he was that flashy guy with the Bart Simpson t-shirt and the American flag yo-home-to-Bel-Air jacket? But all I know is that the hot teen ravers cleared out early and you know I wasn’t even jealous that they were going to meet up with Dov Charney and Terry Richardson for a private Cobra Snake ORGY because I had way more room to dance. And you know I didn’t even judge those Radio Radio guys for wearing sunglasses at night because I understand that some people are shitty at growing moustaches. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I work on a NIGHT SHIFT, shipping and receiving for produce and I am sick and tired of going home every day on the metro and having these fuckin’ people look at me like I’m a homeless piece of shit. I work hard. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t eat! And if I want to buy BEER at 8 o’clock in the morning, that’s my fucking business. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the FIXED GEAR complaints. Hey, Caroline, don’t get your BIKE SHORTS all in a tizzy. That new shop Brakeless that’s selling fixed gear bikes in the Mile-End is there for one reason—because the dude loves bikes. You accuse the shop of being trendy, well, what the fuck do you want him to do about it? Stop being cool? Stop being real? There’s a reason why the shop is getting so much attention and it’s not solely based on gears alone. If you’re not too busy organizing your next bike race, you should go talk to him for, like, five minutes. Maybe you’ll learn something about people. This is Jeff. Have a good one. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling to reply to the girl who took a cheap shot at the bike shop Brakeless. First off, wake up and smell the RUBBER. Fixed gear bikes have been a growing trend whether you like it or not for some while now, not just in Montreal but all across North America. Sorry to burst your bubble, Caroline, but you and your many fixed gear riders are not the first in the city, I assure you. The fixed gear thing is over 40 years old and has resurrected itself, just like the ’80s fashion trend. So next time you claim or dis, you should do your homework. The real fact is Brakeless is totally unique in its own right, not only as a fixed gear shop but also as a cultured shop that supports local artists and Montreal branded goods. The next time you roll by Brakeless, take a moment and see for yourself and if you’re lucky enough, Sylvester may even offer you a coffee. Peace. Keep the rubber side down. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling to THANK JAH that someone organized that march to stand up for my rights as a pot smoker. I mean, it’s practically impossible to find pot in Montreal. And this one time last summer when I did find some pot and I was smoking it, this cop saw me and he gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever got in my entire life. I can’t put up with that kind of abuse, all of the time. So, thank you, marching people. March away. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, tonight, me and my bud were just like drugging and weeding in an alcove and drinking mickeys of Jack Black and this girl with the SWEETEST ASS EVER just walked by. I just wanted to express my gratitude to the girl with the insane ass. Like, an ass of a lifetime, man. Walking with this guy that has like a Boy Meets World kind of haircut, and she thought me and my bud were just, like, punk bums, because we were in the bum’s alcove, just hanging out. I can’t even describe it. It’s the greatest ass I’ve ever seen ever. Genetically, just amazing. So, yeah. Put that in your newspaper and smoke it. [BLEEP!]

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