Dear Sasha, have been seeing this ad for a male enhancement called Enzyte. I have an average penis about six inches. I was just wondering, does this enhancement or any other actually work?
—Curious in Montreal
Dear Curious,
I know readers, it’s not funny anymore but it really does feel like once a year I have to refresh people’s memories about the realities of genital enhancement products because as the companies that sell them know, there’s always a new crop of dingles ready to be hoodwinked.
I won’t even bother telling you, Curious, that six inches is fine, perfect, lovely. I know you won’t be happy until you have something that requires a wheelbarrow or special pants. Let’s not waste your time with realistic expectations. Pay no attention to the quote about the true efficacy of Enzyte in eight point font on the Web site that when enlarged (ha, ha) reads, “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.” Or the other in nine point font that when magnified (cackle, cackle) acknowledges that, “Enzyte should be taken as part of a healthy lifestyle and individual results may vary. The individuals shown are paid models, and not necessarily Enzyte customers.”
I’m sure it’s also no big deal that Steven Warshak, the owner and CEO of Enzyte, was found guilty of conspiracy to commit mail and bank fraud and money laundering and faces up to 20 years in jail. Don’t even worry about the fact that the pill, which obviously rides on the unmitigated success of Viagra by being blue, used to be marketed under the bogus scientific name Suffragium asotas which the inventors claimed meant “better sex.” (Suffragium actually means rights of suffrage and the closest word you’ll find to asotas in the Collins Latin Gem dictionary is asotus, which means libertine.) No biggie that Enzyte, originally proven through independent company research to add several inches, is now promoted simply as an erectile aid.
Curious, I promise you and all male readers that when a magic dick growing pill is invented, you will read about it here without delay. Then everyone can look forward to the side-splitting anecdotes about rampant overuse because I will happily sit in the ER for hours every night interviewing anguished men gingerly cradling loaves of dick in their laps while their wives shake their heads and say, “I told him it was good enough to begin with but oh no, he just had to take one more.”
Dear Sasha, Just wondering if you’ve heard of a Yoni or Oni egg? It’s supposed to be a ceramic egg that a woman can insert for practising Kegels. I’m single after having been in a long-term relationship for several years, had a baby a few years ago and want to get into “shape.” When I practise my Kegels, I’m not really sure if I’m doing them right and when I sneeze really hard a tiny bit of pee comes out. What would you recommend, if anything?
—Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Goddess Industry alert! Not only does Majestic Mud’s Oni Egg (available at www.majesticmud.com) “help open and harness the power of our ancient female wisdom that is stored in our root chakra” but it also “helps to achieve healing, self love and empowerment.” Did they remove the Y from Yoni (Sanskrit word for the lady’s business end) because there is already a Yoni Egg on the market and its creator got their chakras out of sorts and threatened a lawsuit? Whatever the case, I’m sure it’ll still fit nicely in your agina. Yes I know, it’s unkind to make fun of small business owners but those attempting to profit off Ye Olde Cunte with vague, all healing platitudes are asking for it. Don’t even get me started on the Diva Industry and its ubiquitous “licious” suffix. Arg!
I doubt that any product regardless of its purpose can meet such metaphysical claims but that’s not to say the Oni won’t assist in the more secular task of strengthening your PC muscles. If I were to personally recommend one though, it would be Betty Dodson’s stainless steel vaginal barbell.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM |
