THIS WEEK: Mile-End moustaches,
MySpace hipsters!

PLUS: Bottle-throwing boneheads!!

F You know what’s worse than HIPSTERS? People trying to be hipsters. You know, those bozos who take photos of themselves at shows and then post them on MySpace? I’m sick of going to shows and have someone flash a bulb in my eyes for the sake of somebody else’s NARCISSISM. Stop ruining my shows. I want to dance in peace, so get the fuck out of the way. By the way, the Duchess Says show fucking killed it. [BLEEP!]

M Attention Mile-Enders. Please, concerning the MOUSTACHE: it was a joke! Shave it off. Shave it off, you look stupid. I’m sorry if I misled you, but it’s not trendy, it’s not back in fashion. Please shave it off. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, Montreal. This is how you DANCE at a show. You come in, you hear the music, you listen for a bit. Slowly you discover that there’s a beat, or a rhythm, or a flow to it. Then you move your finger back and forth a little bit, or you nod your head, or you sway. And then as you get more into it, you move a little bit more. And this progresses until you are dancing to music at a show instead of just GAWKING. Please do the performers a favour and give a little energy back, because it’s brutal playing for a completely dead audience. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M This one’s to the DISCO BOY who thinks that just listening to some disco will make you happy. Okay, then, I’ll remember that advice when there’s a New World Order and an ALIEN INVASION and they’re all coming down for us. I’ll remember that, mate. I’ll just put on some disco and start dancing around. That’ll make me feel better. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’d just like to tell all of the emo kids to fuck off and get out of the city. Maybe go HANG yourselves somewhere where nobody could see you. Love, Dino. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve got a rant for every BONEHEAD who thinks it’s macho or impressive to throw beer bottles, liquor bottles, wine bottles—whatever kind of bottles or glass you might happen to have—on the sidewalk of the Plateau. I’ve lived in the Plateau for 15 years, I’ve started my family here. I’ve done some pretty stupid things when I was a kid too. But this morning I come out of my building and there’s broken glass, a Moosehead bottle, from some idiot who thinks it’s cool to break it. If someone wants to see what a four-year-old’s hands look like once they’ve fallen on a broken bottle of glass, and think about the scarring it will leave on their hands for the rest of their lives once they’ve been sewn up at an emergency ward, and then tell me that it’s necessary, cool or impressive to throw bottles, then they should call in and tell me. I live at Rachel and St-Dominique and every fucking day there’s broken glass in the park, on the sidewalks and on the streets. Every shithead with a bottle out there, could you please recycle the fucking thing instead of throwing it and breaking it?! Because if I ever see someone breaking a fucking bottle in front of me, I’m going to pick up the SHARDS and shove them down their fucking throat. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the dude who said men are, for the most part, pigs. That’s a double standard, I believe. In my line of work—serving—I’ve had my ass grabbed and I’ve even had my JUNK grabbed from between my legs from the back. So yeah, double standards. If we keep using them, the whole world’s going to go to shit. [BLEEP!]

M About guys staring at women with big boobs. Hell, that’s what they’re for! If you don’t want us to look at your big tits that are fucking popping out of your t-shirt, then why don’t you wear a BAG over your body? [BLEEP!]

F Today is the day. It’s the day that makes everybody stay in this city. Every year, everybody says this is my last winter in Montreal, and then today comes and you see BOOBIES IN THE PARK and nobody leaves because it’s great and there’s still a metre-and-a-half of snow on the other side of the street. [BLEEP!]

M Hi everybody. How are you doing? Has anyone noticed how it’s spring outside? Yay, it’s wonderful—except for one thing. Melting dog shit. Seriously, what’s up with these people not picking up their dog shit, man? I know. I live in Verdun—it’s already a piece of shit. But it doesn’t mean you have to make it worse by leaving your shit to add to the shit that’s already there. Okay? And as for the people who pick up their dog shit and then leave the bag there, what’s the fucking point, man?! Are you just leaving it there to FESTER and boil in the hot sun? No! Wrong! Bad! There’s a freaking garbage at every bus stop. There’s a bus stop every two or three blocks. Don’t tell me you can’t make it. You can do it, people. I have two fucking dogs. I pick up every piece of FECES they produce!! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just realized a negative aspect to pot. It makes reality shows watchable and that’s just not cool. So people who are against pot should use that as their argument, because then I could get behind them. But I think I’ll just keep smoking pot. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, I’m a lover not a fighter, but what the fuck is up with these new Labatt labels? I was holding a 40 the other night, I look down, my hand is all BLUE. Look, I have to say it right now before everyone, only my balls are allowed to be blue. Not my hands. I’m only drinking Molson Dry 7.5 from now on. Thank you. Good night. [BLEEP!]

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