THIS WEEK: Crackheads, tight pants,
fat in black!

PLUS: Habs fan backlash!!

F This goes out to the LITTLE BITCHES complaining about the Wu-Tang show. Well, you should stay home. I’ll have a better time with less of you punk motherfuckers pissing me off. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Everybody on the Rant Line keeps saying catch eleveneighty. Well I agree. Me and my boyfriend caught them at Quai des Brumes last fall and they fucking blew the room away. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been listening to a lot of DISCO lately. DJ Slyde, CKUT, Friday mornings on the Heavy Rotation show, okay? The point is, it’s hard to COMPLAIN when you’re dancing. And with all the complaining going on right now these days, right, we need a break. Long live disco! I don’t care what anybody says. You want to dance and have fun, feel happy? Disco, everybody! Start listening to disco, you miserable motherfucking people. [BLEEP!]

M Oh yeah, Leonard Cohen’s music is way better than his POETRY. You idiot, you haven’t even read any of his poetry. How many people have done their PhD’s on his music? Tell me that. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is to that dumbass cat who was talking shit about Velvet Trench Vibes and telling David Hodges to go back to Christian band camp. Just because you speak about a certain thing doesn’t mean you are Christian, man. Don’t you remember hip hop used to be a CONSCIOUS thing back in the day? That’s the problem today, man. These cats saying “big up this,” “big up that” or “fuck this” or “fuck that.” We need some unity in the community, man. Some of y’all cats ain’t got no audience, that’s why you turn to the Rant Line™ hating other cats. Don’t player hate, participate. Remember from way back in the day. You got any problem with High Wire, holler at him because he’s the one saying this thing right now. Look for me. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Dear Rant Line™, a few observations on Pop Montreal and the bands they bring here. [whispers] If you don’t wear tight pants, you’re not allowed to play. [BLEEP!]

F Well, this is what would normally be a rant but right now it means SPRING IN MONTREAL is finally here. And, no, it’s not because I’ve seen a robin or tulips blooming. Even the sun being out didn’t sell me. It became official when I was rudely awakened by a drunken crackhead coming out of winter hibernation from fuck knows where, swearing profanities. I rolled over, smiling to myself, thinking about dresses and ice cream cones and how fucking awesome this city is in the summer time. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been working in an OPEN CONCEPT OFFICE for about five months and now I know why the concept was created. It’s because whenever you’re spending your time surfing the net, doing shit-all with your life, there’s always someone around to creep up behind you, check up over your shoulder, see all that shit and then blab it to all the other colleagues. “He ain’t doing shit! He ain’t doing shit!” You know what though? That is exactly what they want you to do. They promote backstabbing, thus increasing your productivity, because you have no fucking choice but to work hard. That’s how they fucking govern you people, man. It’s based on FEAR. [BLEEP!]

M If you look FAT in black, you’re fucking fat. I just saw myself in the mirror. [BLEEP!]

F Dear SENSITIVE FAT GIRL in my Romantic literature class. Raise your voice to above a whisper when you make a point out loud. Stop trying to make me pay more attention to you. Trust me, I notice you. You take up a lot of space. [BLEEP!]

F What up, my motherfucking people of the 514 area code, I’m just reaching out and touching the bitch to my girl Boisbriand who broke her leg on a ski trip. And, baby, I know shit is hard and I know your leg is broken and I know it’s hurting, but believe me when I tell you I’m going to give you some BONE, girl. I’m going to give you something to moan about. I’m going to put it inside ya so that you’re going to feel whole again, sweetie. So don’t worry, mama’s on her way and she’s going to take care of you. And lacrosse may be our international sport but, fuck it, man, I’m a hockey girl. [BLEEP!]

M You know something, being a HABS FAN really reeks of unoriginal thought. All my friends were Habs fans when I was growing up so I have to be a Habs fan. My daddy was a Habs fan when I was growing up so I have to be a Habs fan. We live in close proximity to or are in the city of Montreal so we have to root for the home team. Fucking A, goddamn conformists that cannot think for yourself! The decision’s already made for me, I don’t have to work my fucking brain! When I was growing up, there were 21 teams in the NHL. I was a kid. I studied and analyzed all of them until one of them SPOKE to me, until one team CHOSE me. I hope you conformists die of your goddamn Habs fever and die slowly! And I don’t want to hear anything more about the 24 cups! The majority of those 24 cups were won when there were six bloody teams in the league and you’ve been in the league for 100 fricking years. All right? Absolutely unbelievable. Fucking choke on your Habs fever and your fucking flags, bunch of bitches. Bandwagon hoppers. Where were you in 2002–2003?! [BLEEP!]

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