THIS WEEK: Black Dot, OSM, Inspectah Deck!

PLUS: Fantasy bananas!!

F Good evening. I was just at the Black Dot to see Bionic and a few other bands. Bionic started to play and they were fucking amazing. But then after 10 minutes, the COPS shut it down like they’re shutting everything down. Seems like they just want to make everything just like TORONTO. It’s just going to get stupider and lamer here, just like every other shithole Canadian city that tries to act American. If you want it to go that way, just keep shutting everything down, every little venue and see what happens to your city. I say fuck the new attitude of Montreal and fuck your stupid cops. No peace. [BLEEP!]

M Nice. I’m just back from the OSM concert at Salle Wilfred-Pelletier in Place-des-Arts. I’m totally fed up with people going to the concert and then, when KENT comes on stage, in the moment just before he starts the concert, when you’re supposed to have a complete silent audience, people start COUGHING and playing with their fucking program and messing with their position on their chair! You can’t have that damn second of silence?! People just don’t have any respect for those kind of rules, I’m just fed up with it! Why are we going if we can’t have one second of silence before a classical concert? [BLEEP!]

M Straight up fuck Velvet Trench Vibes. Fuck David Hodges. Go back to Christian band camp. No one likes you guy or your music. The only reason people actually listen to your shit and go to your shows is because, really, there’s not that much else in the hip hop scene that Montreal is popping off, except some gangsta shit. Much respect to 357 and DShade and dudes that have been around, they know what’s good. But fuck, Velvet Trench Vibes? You’re just whack. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling about the Leonard Cohen debate. First of all, the guy who said that his novels and poetry are better than his music is raving, not ranting. His music is way better than his poetry, and his novels are just okay. But about the tickets—let’s get it straight, people. The tickets are not $250—well, maybe the most expensive ones are—but the average ticket is about $100–$150. But still, there is no excuse for offering that price to Montrealers—since when is a Leonard Cohen concert a high society event? I don’t see any other artists asking for that kind of money and, to say the truth, to see Leonard Cohen at 70 years old when he’s way past his prime is not worth my money. [BLEEP!]

M First off, who fucking cares if Leonard Cohen can’t sing, which he obviously can? Have you taken the time to listen to his lyrics and explore the profound meaning of the METAPHORS in his songs? Leonard Cohen is a fucking genius. The only reason he’s charging so much for his tickets is that his manager ran off with all his money and now he’s broke-ass without a pot to piss in. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who said we should have checked the line-up for the Wu-Tang Clan thing. I just found out that RZA and Method Man are not coming. What the fuck am I going for now—Inspectah Deck? [BLEEP!]

M Hi there, this is the guy who called about the Neon Moby show that was during that stormy night that never took place. Just to say that the Neon guys did the RIGHT THING. They put up another show and everyone who bought the ticket before is going to be honoured as a ticket holder. So Neon guys, way to go. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is Dominique, Montreal’s favourite DJ. I just want to say that the next girl that comes to me for a song request and does not tell me it’s either her birthday or her friend’s birthday will have her request—even if it’s fucking “Like a Virgin” by Madonna, I don’t care. I’m out. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I can’t believe that someone appreciates and realizes the BEAUTY and the power of the Volcano. It is amazing. I swear by it as well. Buy one, it’s worth every penny, guys. Pick it up. [BLEEP!]

F My rant is about mescaline. When the hell is it going to make a comeback in this city? We need it. [BLEEP!]

M In response to people who are talking about women with BIG BOOBS. Women with large breasts are not aggressive because they have large breasts. They’re aggressive because men generalize and label them and do nothing but stare at them. Men are, for the most part, PIGS and they have nothing better to do with their time than ogle a woman who’s large-breasted. Quit becoming such pigs. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I’m calling for that guy who said men should not eat bananas in public. I’m sorry, dude, but you’re messed up, man. You seriously need some help. You were watching some dude eat a banana and you were all getting turned on by him sticking the banana in his mouth. It’s a fruit, buddy! And then HE BIT IT and you got all disappointed. He bit your little FANTASY BANANA and it just ruined it for you. But shit, if you’re a straight dude, why are you watching another guy eating a banana in the first place? A guy can’t go and eat his lunch on his lunch break when he’s working or going to school in peace? Like, without thinking, “Well, I might be offending somebody by eating this, you know, the way it’s meant to be eaten.” Because actually the best sterile way to eat a banana is to peel it and eat it out of the peel, never actually touching the flesh of the banana, because your hands are crawling with micro bacteria. But hey you know, we’ll try not to eat it that way just so you won’t get turned on. Okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

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