Dear Sasha, I’m 43 and have never penetrated a woman. I noticed that I was “abnormal” when I reached “first base” at the age of 28. I actually didn’t feel anything but disgust. I thought it was because of the bad taste of the girl’s saliva. But further experiences told me that all female mouths had the same taste. The most terrible experience was the sight of a woman’s genitals when I was 30. I was extremely disappointed by the ugliness of this part of the female body.
All in all, I’ve had four “sexual” experiences in my life. Each time I felt disgust and had no arousal at all. Perhaps I am condemned to live with this contradiction: a normal sexual drive and the psychological impossibility to fulfil this basic need. Am I asexual?
—Fred
Dear Fred ,
I’m curious to know what you expected the female genitalia to look like, because I get the impression that even if you pulled someone’s undies down and there was a bowl of ice cream between their legs, you’d be disappointed. From what I understand, you want to have sex with someone (though “in,” “on” or “at” seem more apt prepositions for your objective) yet women’s sexual attributes fill you with hostile revulsion. This doesn’t make you asexual; it makes you a very particular type of faggot.
I’m picturing an ascot, pursed lips, a cunning daub of eye make-up and the word “tuna” coughed at me as I walk past you sitting at the bar. I think we can agree it’s best for everyone involved that you refrain from girls until you get yourself sorted out. Nobody likes having their vulva retched on while someone’s going down on them.
Maybe I’m stating the apparent, but has homosexuality not presented itself as an option to you? Or how about a non-genital/gender specific fetish? It’s time you did some investigating on www.sexuality.org and if nothing tickles your fancy then, by all means, have a gander at www.asexuality.org.
Asexuality has gotten a lot of media attention over the past couple of years, some of it even reasonable (though I certainly respect asexuality, I could have a field day with this one, beginning with the fact that it seems less radical to people that someone not want to have sex at all than have sex with an armpit) and you’ll find some good resources and community on this site.
Dear Sasha, You could label me the cynical, nearly 50 dad, folk singer, balding and with a long beard, also unable to control the chubby factor. Even though I try to love myself just as I am, in spite of the society stigmas, i.e. the fat-phobia, not the beard-phobia. I don’t even know how to phrase the question: how can I make myself sexual and lovable again, even to my wife? I certainly don’t expect an easy answer to that one.
—ARG
Dear ARG ,
Excellent, because apart from suggesting you immerse yourself in the bear world where your big fat hairy looks would instantly make you a big man on campus, I wish I had a foolproof solution to maintaining one’s attractiveness. Think about it: If people who sell bogus or simplistic erotic potions can become unimaginably wealthy, consider what compensation awaits the person with the true key to eternal charisma. (Actually, folks would probably just freak out and trample them to death or tear them limb from limb, Greek hero-tragedy-hubris-sparagamos style).
A couple of questions: How impractical, how mean really, is it that another person’s attraction is the device we choose to measure our own attractiveness? Really, the only person you have control over in this equation is yourself and if you are with someone who has become indifferent to your allure, and likely to their own frustration as well, then what the hell do you want anyone to do about that? As far as I can see, what we know most about attraction is that it is fickle as fuck, suggesting that the most logical and humane approach to it is amour propre. Self-love, ARG, it’s yours for the taking. And it’s an awfully attractive quality to boot.
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