THIS WEEK: Leonard Cohen, eleveneighty,
lion vs. pig!

PLUS: Marijuana vaporizer review!!

M Hey, this is for the guy who was talking about Velvet Trench Vibes being one of the dopest underground hip hop groups in Montreal right now. I think you’re definitely right. One of the things that sets them apart from other hip hop acts is the fact that the few times I have seen them, they’ve been backed up by a really amazing BAND. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting tired of the whole THREE MCS AND A DJ thing on stage. There are a lot of other groups that are doing the same band thing as this in Montreal that are also just as dope. You should definitely check out Nomadic Massive and eleveneighty. A lot of talent getting noticed in Montreal right now. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, to the guy who said that RZA and Ghostface weren’t going to be at the Wu-Tang show, I just bought my tickets for $50 and if those two guys aren’t there, that would really piss me off. They’re two of my favourites. I’d like to know where you get your information from? The sign at Metropolis when I bought my tickets clearly had every single guy’s name on it except for ODB but, hey, you can’t ask for a MIRACLE, right? [BLEEP!]

M To the jackass who was bitching about the Leonard Cohen tickets being $250 in the nosebleeds. A) Who gives a fuck? It’s Leonard Cohen. Then you go on to bitch about how a local Montrealer plays for local Montrealers and they can’t go see it. What the fuck is a local Montrealer? Are there UN-LOCAL Montrealers? Jackass. [BLEEP!]

M You know what really pisses me off? When you’re out late at night and you want to go to Subway to get a SANDWICH and it’s fucking 10:54 p.m. and the sign says that they close at 11 p.m., it’s a Monday night and the guy, he’s standing behind the counter but the door is locked and you can’t get in. You go over and you just want a fucking sandwich and you can’t get your fucking sandwich six minutes before the restaurant closes. That’s what fucking pisses me off. Out. [BLEEP!]

M I forgot my blue American Apparel backpack in a taxi over the weekend containing a white 13” MacBook and a copy of LCD Soundsystem 45:33. Since I’m not a RICH PLATEAU KID, I won’t be able to buy a new one for a long time. And the computer contained two years of work and projects which can’t be replaced. The Mac has a broken “Page Up” button. If anyone has it, I would highly appreciate getting it back and obviously a reward will be given to anyone who can end my misfortune. Contact me [leaves phone number]. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I just used an INHALER for the first time, a vaporizer, and my report is positive. Um, you may have heard of devices like this. There’s the Volcano, that’s the best known, most expensive one. You use this kind of stuff if you smoke a lot of pot and you want the amount of smoke and other CARCINOGEN STUFF you take in cut way, way, way back. So I figured the way that I smoke pot, I better get on to this thing. I find it works great. One problem: the first store I went to, the assistant there told me that the Volcano was the only such device on the market and that it cost $800. I was just rocked back on my heels. So I went to another store, asked the guy there, it turns out you can get a vaporizer for just $78 including tax. That’s the one I bought, I won’t give you the brand name because it’s stupid and I hate head shop terminology, but just don’t listen if somebody says you have to pay $800 to get a good vaporizer. Anyway, I find the whole experience of getting high has changed because a lot of it was not the THC, it was just all that SMOKE in my head. It’s a nicer, cleaner, higher kind of high. So don’t think you have to keep on smoking joints or pipes or bongs and messing up your lungs because you can get a whole new way that’s a lot better—especially as you get older and move on through life. So anyway, that’s my report and thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I’m just calling because I was on the corner of Fairmount and Jeanne-Mance and there’s a 100-year old white building that seems to have in its building pattern a bunch of SWASTIKAS and I just thought that was really fucked up. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is about all this big dick bullshit. I actually have a big dick. It’s not really that great. It took me a long time to learn how to use it. No deep, hard THRUSTING for me, no, because if I do that shit, what happens, my girlfriend fucking screams out in AGONY and pain. You think it’s really great to have a big dick? Well, obviously, you don’t have a big dick because it’s not that great. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to learn how to use that shit, man. Small dick guys, you’re fucking lucky. You can get in there and just fucking thrust like a jackhammer and GIRLS SCREAM with ecstasy. Come on now, come on, this whole big dick thing, it’s bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, sweetie, it’s me. Listen, since we’ve kind of saturated the big dong debate, I wanted to throw a little spice in there. So tell me, would you rather be a LION and be able to have an orgasm 30 times a day with 30 different partners or would you rather be a PIG and have a 30-minute orgasm? Boggle your mind at that. [BLEEP!]

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