Sex starved

Dear Sasha, You are likely aware of the cost of losing one’s libido through anti-depressants in order to keep from sinking into the depths of despair. I was put on Prozac after an accident, and in 12 years, I’ve had sex the number of times I would like to have sex over six weeks. The silver lining is that I remember too well how horny I used to be and how frustrating that was. I’m sensitive and couldn’t bear never hearing from someone I had sex with ever again. I would get attached and my feelings got hurt when the guy I cared about didn’t call, would make a date just to cancel, or worse, stand me up.

I have been out of the game because you can’t get hurt if you don’t play. Yes, it’s hurting me in other ways. I don’t feel human. I’m starving for sex and affection. My drug of choice has always been food. So I’ve been hiding behind an overweight body that has made me, for the most part, sexually irrelevant. Also, I’m dry as a bone.

I went to several doctors who said there is nothing to be done because the hormones women take to counteract dryness are dangerous. Using lubricants isn’t sexy for me. I want my partner to know that he turns me on and I get wet from his touch and so on. Yes, I know I can assure him otherwise if I tried, but I want to get wet naturally.

I want to get off Prozac, lose the extra weight and deal with my appetite, sexual and otherwise, but HOW? I haven’t had sex in two and a half years. Exercise helps, but only a little, and psychology hasn’t. I’ve tried several doctors and therapists who didn’t help at all and I don’t have the money to pay for massage and acupuncture.

There has only been one guy who satisfied me. I’m attached to him emotionally but he hurt me too badly to go back to him. If I was the type who could handle a fuck friend, I would, but that is not me. I’m not attracted to anyone else except one married movie star. 

Any suggestions as to how I can get healthy and enjoy a satisfying, regular sex life?

—Out of Touch

Dear Out ,

You’ve basically e-mailed insisting I cannot help you—so I’ll try not to—but let’s also be realistic about who I am on the guidance continuum. If a cavalcade of physicians and therapists can’t help, what do you think I have hiding in my skirts? Looking over your catalogue of grievances and the immediate evidence you submit that you’ve tried in vain to deal with them, it seems all you really want me to say is, “Your issues are insurmountable. Let me just get out my time machine and take you back to before your accident.”

Pulling yourself together after trauma is a bitch because no matter how much expert intervention you engage, in the end there you are: sabotaging, harping and immobile. Even if you could afford the health care that is out of your reach financially, it’s futile if all you really want is to be unbroken. Regardless of the hand you’re dealt, life takes a lot of discipline. You certainly have it in you—you seem admirably committed to failure—but you need to apply it differently. Sucks to turn the car around when you’ve already gone so far in the wrong direction, doesn’t it?

It feels like you had your accident at a very crucial time in your sexual development (evidenced by the fact that you describe being attracted to a married movie star as though it’s the married part that makes the relationship unfeasible). In my experience, getting “attached” to someone is very different than actually liking someone or requiring they like you. “Falling” in love is different than being in love. And writing off lube? That’s just crazy talk.

Start researching sexuality with a more realistic eye. Two books: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (which also deals with non-visible disabilities) and Paul Joannides Guide to Getting It On as well as his indispensable Web site at www.goofyfootpress.com. The section Sex and Drugs may be of particular interest to you.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM