THIS WEEK: Velvet Trench Vibes,
Hollywood, big gashes!

PLUS: Pork chops with extra gravy!!

M Hey, to the guy complaining about the radio stations in this city, you do have a point. But you should check out CKUT 90.3. They’ll play Sonic Youth and Jim O’Rourke and all that other good stuff. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, it’s about the local music scene. Frankly, no one’s really getting respected. There are tons of local artists that aren’t getting their say, that aren’t getting enough shows, and they’re not getting paid, mostly. The best local artists that I know is Velvet Trench Vibes. That’s the best upcoming group in Montreal. I’m not going to dis Arcade Fire and the Stars, they’re great as well. But I mean, it’s just sad, very sad, about Velvet Trench Vibes. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is the Dead Dolls Cabaret. Someone bought a WHOOPEE CUSHION and a RED THONG at our show and left it behind and we’d like them to be able to pick it up. So they can contact us at dead_dollz@yahoo.com. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is for the people who left a PILL CONTAINER full of weed between Pie-IX and Berri stations. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M To the mindless drone who called skinheads CONFORMISTS. Duh, of course we’re conformists! This world needs more conformists. And I’ll tell you a little secret—the only people who use conformist as a buzz word are usually the biggest conformists of them all, conforming to some kind of hippie bullshit or ANARCHY. Anyway, we don’t go around hurting people. You’re just an ignorant bastard. [BLEEP!]

M Hey everyone. Have any of you seen HOLLYWOOD around lately? I haven’t seen him at Concordia or the usual hot spots. Hollywood, if you’re out there, give us a shout out, brother. Take care now. [BLEEP!]

F Has someone been vandalizing the trees in this city? I keep seeing tree after tree after tree with BIG GASHES in them. I have a feeling that it could be the snow plows, but there certainly could be someone twisted enough to do this. It seriously damages trees and it makes me sad. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, why do I never hear anyone calling this town Gone-treal? Is that just too West Coast? [BLEEP!]

M Could someone please do something about these dirty, scummy, scum-of-the-earth PUBLISACS that they keep delivering every fucking two days into our mailboxes? I have a sticker up saying I don’t want a fucking PubliSac and they still deliver the fucking filthy shit things to my fucking door and they put it on my door handle and it’s all fucking dirty because they throw that shit onto the street and then they put it on our fucking houses. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, Rant Line™, this needs to be said. At approximately 2:33 a.m., this morning of February 27, I was walking in my door when I heard a crazy grumble from the sky. I’m pretty sure it was a MILITARY PLANE flying at a very low level over the city. Now, I’m not exactly an expert in, like, engine categorization, but from the sound only it sounded a lot like a military plane. Did anyone else witness this? Am I insane? It would be really nice if I was, and that COVERT OPERATIONS aren’t just going down at 2:30 in the morning on random snowy nights, conveniently blinding us to what’s going on. Did anyone else witness or hear this? If not, then this might be the very first case of PMS leading to hallucination ever recorded. [BLEEP!]

F To the gentleman wondering about the NEW MEN and their skinny jeans, asking if it is an emo thing. Personally, I have my own theory. I think that men got jealous of women wearing our LEGGINGS and skinny jeans. You all wanted to join in on the trend but didn’t want to fry your sperm. So that’s why the pants are a little loose on the top but all tight on the bottom. Guys these days, they all want to get manicures, they want to get highlights and now they want to wear tight-ass pants. All I know is it’s ugly and I don’t go out with guys who wear that shit. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who complained about chicks wearing tights. Do you think that we’re doing it for you, douchebag? You have to learn to appreciate that women want to look sexy just for themselves sometimes. [BLEEP!]

F Shalom and good evening to you. Regarding the big dicks that go around fucking OTHER PUSSY because pussy doesn’t know how to fuck well. Listen, even if pussy has her sex game and her head game down to a T, I assume that the man is still going to go around fucking other pussy. Because I’ve seen female pussy, a’ight, and I get wet just fucking looking at these thick-thighed, oh my, pork chops with EXTRA GRAVY, I don’t know what, help me Lord! I tell you, I would fuck ’em, if I had a dick, I would fuck ’em until my dick fell off, you understand?! So how could I expect a man with a big dick, who knows how to rotate all tires, how could I expect him to be faithful? There’s some scandalous bitches out there who were built to fuck, and I ain’t mad at a motherfucker for trying to dip his shit inside that oil. [BLEEP!]

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