THIS WEEK: Jim O’Rourke, tights,
agitated dealers!

PLUS: Wisdom of “Queen boarding at Berri”
ad campaign questioned!!

M Yeah, I’m calling to rant about Montreal RADIO. I’m sitting here listening to Jim O’Rourke and he’s kicking my ass. Why can I not hear Jim O’Rourke on Montreal radio? Why can I not hear Sonic Youth followed by Wilco? Why can I not hear Beethoven’s 9th followed by Miles Davis or Coltrane? Why does everything have to be so HOMOGENOUS? It’s just boring. Why can’t we have something interesting on the radio? That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to those skinheads. Whether you’re SHARP or RASH or white power, you’re all just a bunch of guys who want to go around beating up and intimidating weaker people. We don’t give a fuck if some of you are nice—you’re all assholes in general. You’ve all got that fucking ego. “Yeah, I’m a SHARP skinhead guy and I’m tough and I want to fight.” And we all know when you guys get drunk, you aren’t nice. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve been reading some rather disturbing stuff on the Rant Line™ concerning skinheads, some of whom are Nazis and some of whom are not Nazis. All I have to say is, Nazi or not, if you’re a skinhead, you’re a bloody CONFORMIST. And you should learn to stop following orders and think for yourselves. Try that on for size, guys. [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the skinheads, why don’t we just put them all in a BIG RING with knives and have them all kill each other? Then there’ll be no more violent skinheads or SHARPs and no one will get beat up for no apparent reason and then we’ll all be happy. Yay! [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here’s the THING ABOUT DICKS. Guys with small dicks usually challenge guys with big dicks so the guys will show them their stuff. Chicks don’t care about my big dick so much. Some more than others but most girls really just want someone who fucks them well and buys them a little stuff at the mall. But the worst thing a big-dicked guy can do is tell another guy about his big dick, because then he wants to SEE IT, TOUCH IT, whatever. He goes crazy. Don’t do it. It’s guys who care about other guys’ big dicks, not girls! Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. And I’m only eight inches. I can imagine other guys who are bigger than that have bigger problems. [BLEEP!]

M About the big dick debate. The truth about it, man, is that if you got a big one, it takes more blood to keep it up. So it leaves very little for your BRAIN. So I guess when you’re coming, you look stupider than me. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. This rant comes to you in two parts. Part one: SHOWERS. I don’t know why but somewhere somebody along the line decided that we had to shower every day, sometimes twice a day. It’s not true. Simply not. I can sometimes go a week, a week-and-a-half without showering, and nobody notices—not even my girlfriends. That’s because you wash your face, you wash your hands. You know, if you stink a little bit, you wash your armpits. But you don’t need to take a shower every day. That’s just silly. Stop thinking you have to, everybody. Save the water. The second part is about big dicks. Really, really great theory. I had no idea that the reason I’m so unfaithful is because I have a big dick—I always just thought it was because I was a douche. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I hope you print my rant because it’s very important for me to know that girls will hear what I have to say. Dressing sexy, showing your ass is not nice, it’s not good! You’re not going to get the guy you want and you’re just BUGGING PEOPLE. You’re bugging guys, you’re bugging old people. I get annoyed at always having to turn around and look at your ass because I can’t stop myself. Sexy is not back, it’s not in! What is in is respectable, beautiful, honest women. Not some sexy-assed bitch. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, the city’s gone nuts! These women, they don’t care! They’re wearing these tights now where you can see everything and that’s all they’re wearing on the BOTTOM. On the TOP is whatever they’re wearing on the top. Let me tell you, these tights, it’s got to be the new fashion trend in Montreal. I don’t know what’s going on, but they’re all over the place and they’re making my day fucking great. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’d just like to ask. What’s so goddamn funny about the Queen boarding at Berri? I think I have a decent sense of humour and I just don’t get why that’s supposed to be so rib-ticklingly hilarious. Could someone explain it to me? That’d be great. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy complaining about DEALERS taking forever. Listen, not everyone is nice with their dealer. A lot of people nag or put their dealers in awkward situations, like asking them for drugs in front of a friggin’ cop or not even looking before they ask when there are strangers nearby. That makes a dealer really AGITATED and angry. It makes him not want to go and run around and do his calls. He’s worrying about his freedom when you’re only worried about your shit. And to all the pot snobs who bitch about stems, dryness, wetness and seeds—just accept that sometimes you got a good batch, sometimes you got a bad batch. You can’t always have always the best shit all the time. So give the dealer a break and maybe your dealer will give you a break and be there on time. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to the guy who’s wondering why all the dealers in Montreal are always late. It’s fucking Montreal. It’s a busy fucking city. Live with it. [BLEEP!]

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