Shack wacky

by JACK OATMON

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been meticulously sabotaging your personal life like it was a scab from a shaving cut. Except you haven’t shaved in a month. The slush puddles get a half centimetre more vindictive every week, and it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. Just a little tiny bit worse. But then this blasted frost is gonna melt off your front step, and the repellant magnet that is your doorknob will suddenly reverse polarity and beckon you out into the shining world.

It’s not healthy to deal with these things alone—you should really be out there getting hammered drunk at a rock show or something. That’s positive therapy. So let’s start with tonight, Thursday. I want you to go on up to Zoobizarre and get your eyeballs and eardrums pummelled by sonic reducers Goa—no apparent relation to atrocious genre of trance music—at their very grating album launch. Or at least make it to Jupiter Room for Ultravox with DJs Napoléon and Alex Ortiz of We Are Wolves.

On Friday night, seek solace in the love of machines as 011 and les Handclaps sequence your weak human heart like the Borg at Divan Orange. Otherwise, trek down to le Vieux Port for a change and cozy up at le Velvet for an evening of only the smoothest blends of minimal house and low-key disco provided by the very tasteful Cocktail Club. If not that, then drop by Cagibi for a night of hip hop karaoke.

On Saturday night, smush up against the Nerf-like, politically correct pop and prog sounds of the Most Serene Republic along with Parlovr and the Diableros at Lambi. Guaranteed to make you wanna hug someone. After that, make sure to stroll up to lab.synthèse for the Cosmic Twin afterparty, a cerebral throwdown with the wicked Natacha’s Recordings posse of Simon Called Peter, Heart & Soul, DJ Cyan and Paul Keeley. Guaranteed sweet tunes and unpretentious people, whether or not you drop by Cosmic Twin 3 at Casa Del Popolo earlier that night.

That should just about do it. If you manage that and still find yourself compulsively opening and closing the fridge, incessantly posting YouTube links to Facebook or calling friends up and telling them you’re thinking of leaving town, maybe music and booze isn’t a strong enough prescription. So go shopping or go to the library or the museum or something! Just get out of the house, man!

CRAZYSLOWLYGOINGAMI? jack.oatmon@gmail.com