We are family

by RAF KATIGBAK

There are a few things that Toronto has over Montreal: a basketball team, a baseball team, jobs. Which is totally fine for us. Montrealers are usually secure enough in our cultural identity not to get envious of little things like sports teams and financial stability. But it’s really hard not to get miffed when you come across a certain breed of Torontonians, the ones that love to shove what they’ve got in our pretty, clear-skinned, culturally rich faces. It’s a one-upmanship that, at its worst, is annoying for us (especially if said Torontonian is completely wasted at a party, and, as he expounds his civic superiority, the froth from his coke-induced mouth pasties keep landing on your cheek), but mostly makes them seem rather sad.

That’s why, when I heard that Ontario was inaugurating their Family Day holiday, I groaned, “Great, yet another reason for Torontonians to feel better than us.” For those not familiar with the holiday, under new legislation passed shortly after their re-election in October, Ontario Liberals under Premier Dalton McGuinty introduced the statutory holiday called Family Day. In a press release, McGuinty was quoted saying, “There is nothing more valuable to families than time together. And yet it seems tougher than ever to find, with so many of us living such busy lives.”

Then I thought, “Hold up. Maybe he’s onto something here.” A day where the family, the crux of this great nation, is allowed the time to commune, to break bread, live and love together? I had to see it for myself. So I picked up my stuff, got onto a train and went to see what Family Day in Toronto was all about.

I must say, it was absolutely magical. On Monday, the sun was beaming down and everywhere I looked, parents and children frolicked arm in arm. In the park, mothers and fathers stared at each other, clearly falling in love all over again. Laughter filled the air as children played on swing sets and climbed the monkey bars. On the street, mothers would muss up their son’s hair as they rode past on their bikes, and fathers would catapult their cherubic daughters into the sky, only to spin them in slow motion to touchdown. For one shining moment it felt like the entire city was unified in a spirit of familial devotion, bonded by the loving fabric that has made this country strong. Then suddenly, as if on cue, the entire street linked their arms together and in unison sang “Kumbaya.” After which, everybody laughed as they wiped the tears from their eyes.

Just kidding. I did go to Toronto for Family Day, but it was actually really, really, really annoying. Sure, there were droves of men, women and children out on the street wandering around. But to be honest, it looked a bit more like Day of the Dead, except with more strollers. If I had kids, I can’t think of a thing I’d hate doing more than hanging out with other families. All I saw was kids with runny noses complaining that it was too cold to stand in line for Enchanted, and that they just wanted to go home and watch TV. Parents themselves looked exhausted, many of them store owners who were pissed that they were losing a day of income. It’s February—the streets are just too damn cold for frolicking and socializing.

Worse yet, I overheard on the radio that you can’t buy alcohol on Family Day. I’m not sure if this was because the liquor stores were closed or it was an actual dry decree from McGuinty, but either way, a Family Day without alcohol sounds like a family day without the ability to put up with annoying family members. Newsflash McGuinty: a lot of people find their families annoying. For most families I know, booze is the great equalizer. So what if your crotchety uncle Merv thinks that gays are a waste of skin and that George Bush would be the best Prime Minister we ever had, with enough alcohol you guys could actually be buds, finding common ground in your love for Lynyrd Skynyrd, or bonding over the fact that you both have gotten so wasted you’ve woken up in a snowbank with someone else’s shoes and no pants on.

While I do believe that Montreal should have a mid-February break, I think we should have a Dysfunctional Family Day, when the liquor stores are open 24 hours and the city hosts a big event: The Dysfunctional Olympics. We can have events like the shoe toss (where daughters throw shoes at their mums for snooping in their room and finding their diaries), we can have a door slamming competition (points will be given for style and volume) and we can also have an awkward dinner competition where the family that builds the most tension by ignoring each other and being passive aggressive wins.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca